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Chantelle Austin International's Specialist Coach & Mentor in Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships Internationally

When Friends Turn into Unexpected Playmates!

Now for some people this is a fantasy come true! When you get into the lifestyle, it’s not uncommon to wish some of your friends were in it too because for a while now you’ve been appreciating their sexiness, and perhaps on more than one occasion you’ve said you “could go a bit of that…” Well at least in your head you have, but either way you enjoy the fantasy of it all.

That’s not the only way it happens either… We met a couple who, from the outset, said that they just wanted friends they could talk to about their experiences and were not interested in playing with us, which I completely respect. Not everyone is going to be attracted to us, even if we are sexy as (lol)! But knowing that information gave us some very clear boundaries and it let us know how we were expected to behave.

Now, this is where the confusion happens for most. When you know it’s just a friendship, it’s clear where the boundaries are and what everyone expects to happen when you get together. When you are in a swinging situation with playmates, there are pretty clear expectations as to where the catch up is going. But what about when you have people in your life that are both?

What started as a friendship with a lifestyle in common, turned into an unexpected playship (playmate + friendship) but there were no real conversations around this evolution, it just kind of happened (doesn’t it always?) It’s not uncommon in this lifestyle to find yourselves in similar situations where the boundaries have changed, leading to confusion for all.

This was new territory for all of us and the problem was that then every interaction came with a bunch of questions and thoughts. Here are some examples of our neurotic heads when we were just “catching up for coffee”:
– Is it just coffee? Or is “coffee” code for something else?
– And are they expecting something else or just expecting coffee?

– Should I give them a real kiss hello and goodbye? And are we allowed to kiss passionately when only one partner is there?
– How will I know what is ok to do and what’s not ok?
– (If they make subtle comments and innuendo) Is that a hint or are we just doing the usual banter?

It didn’t seem to matter what the catch up was, whether it was coffee or “come over for dinner” or “lets meet up at the beach”, “lets go for a BBQ with the kids”, the thoughts and questions were all the same.

The problem is that these thoughts can make the catch up somewhat awkward because both parties are wondering the same thing, and if you have a great friendship and respect for each other, it can mean less sexy fun because no one is game to make a move in case it’s not a reciprocated desire. On the flip side, sometimes it can lead to the other person/people walking away feeling a little disappointed because the catch up didn’t take them down the expected road of orgasmic ecstasy.

Either way, the relationship with them has changed! So how do we get everyone on the same page and comfortable with being able to swing between friends and friends with benefits? It requires a new set of rules and boundaries to work with, as well as a new language to communicate everyone’s expectations. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you don’t need to fumble in the dark anymore!

We created our own language, or code, which you can adopt or just use it as a guide to make your own special one. We also discussed some boundaries and what-if scenarios for how we should behave so you can use those as guides too. Here we go…

If we invite the other over for a catch up, whether it is just a coffee, dinner or heading out, we add one word to the invitation:

“Open” – means we are open to playing, if the other one/couple is.

“Play” – means it’s specifically a play date and we’re expecting good times!
“Vanilla” – means there are going to be non-swingers around so we have to behave (you know, act “normal”).
“White Chocolate” – means acting vanilla but sneaking some playful moments when no one else is looking.

We discussed the desired greeting and goodbye behaviour, and what behaviour was ok in front of the kids and vanillas, by way of flirting and banter. For us we agreed that passionate kisses were preferred, and all flirting allowed as long as children and vanilla’s were not in the immediate vicinity.

Sometimes you need to be fluid with it so you need to decide on a way to communicate what’s ok, or not, without having to say so out loud. For instance, a shake of the head or a hand up suggesting “stop” or “no”, would work to stop a kiss or spank while Grandma is standing behind you.

And lastly, it’s good to openly discuss and agree that the play part is allowed to end, allowing the relationship to go back to just a friendship with something in common. Openly discussing it takes the pressure off everyone, especially the party that may want to call it quits in the future. After all, this is about having fun but keeping the friendship in tact, right?

So just like any relationship, communication is absolutely the key!

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

  1. Sometimes Friends do become more than what they are. Thanks for this wonderful post.
    It was very interesting to read as this was an unusual post.
    The situation between the couple is explained very nicely.

  2. I think you are right that sometimes friend do become more than what are they expected before. Moreover, this post is wonderfully written. Once me and my classmates went for long tour for Chicago attractions. We were very excited in those days but one of our friend did one mistake and all of our group suffered. Anyways many thanks for the information and will be looking for more information.

  3. Great article. I think relations grow with the start of Friendship. It is always nice to see your partner beside you. It gives a great feeling. Thanks for this wonderful post. I am very pleased to have found it.

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