"I walk the boundaries and blur the lines – so others may wander into new territory."

Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I'm too tired” rut

I know this one only too well being a person that tends to take on too much. Often the ambitious or go-getters hit this one, but also the mum’s and dad’s who work full time. You only need a couple of sleepless nights to really throw your sex life out of whack. And for the ambitious go-getter types, it’s just not on the long list of things to do. This is an easy rut to fall into and sometimes difficult to remedy.

Ultimately the solution is to create some time to chill out, rest, relax and store some energy rather than expending it. Depending on how burnt out you are will depend on how long you need to chill out before you start building energy. The longer you work on in your burnt out state, the longer it takes to recover – trust me on that one, I’ve done this multiple times and done it well!

When you start to see the signs and symptoms (ie: too tired most days for anything including sex, lacking in energy and motivation, more emotional and less patient), then it’s time to put yourself first for your own health, the health of your relationship and the health of your sex life. Take some time out and it won’t be long before you are in the mood for something a little more exciting.

For the ambitious go-getters, this means scheduling time out in your calendar. Yes, it’s true – SCHEDULE TIME OUT! It’s very easy to fill up your day with all the things you think you need to do; everything has a priority but if you don’t have the energy to do any of them, or do them well, then you’re not being as productive as you could be.

I know what it’s like and I can tell you from experience, breaks during the day and full days off make you more productive. You have the energy and inspiration to do what you do quicker and more brilliantly. Working while you are burnt out will feel like you’re forcing yourself so you’ll struggle to be motivated. You’ll do a half assed job and everything and everyone else in your life suffers as a consequence. Do yourself a favour, your down time is just as important as the work or project you’re doing.

Dare I say it, sometimes having a “DVD day” is the best medicine. Nothing but quality couch time watching DVD’s all day, with some great healthy snacks, no work, not thinking about work or anything that creates worry or stress, it’s a real time out day! Other things you can do are getting out into nature, walk along a beach, get out in the bush or local parkland, do something fun.

Your down time gives you the energy you need for your work time. Energy in (down time), energy out (work time). Take 5 minutes when you finish reading this to do this exercise.

  1. Split the page in 2, write “Energy In” on one side and “Energy out” on the other. On the “Energy In” side.
  2. Write down everything you can think of that gives you energy, the things you could do all day long if given the opportunity, things you are passionate about, are fun, are relaxing or fulfil you in some way. The people that energise you also go on this list.
  3. Then on the “Energy out” side, write all the things that take energy for you to do, so work, house cleaning (unless you love it and that goes for work too), dinner with the inlaws (unless you like them :o)), or anything that isn’t fun, that drains energy from you and that includes the people you spend time with. Some people really do drain your energy, also known as “energy vampires” and you can guess why.

For the partners of too-tired-rutters, your role is to help them create the time and space to really rest and relax. This may mean taking on some of the load, or sometimes forcing your partner to take time out… in a loving way though; handcuffing them to the bed is not quite what I’m thinking of however there is a time and a place for that. Often they don’t realise they are over working and you’ll be able to see it first so be their alarm system.

There are times where the perpetual tiredness is an actual health issue. If some serious time out isn’t helping, I’d recommend seeing a health professional to check that there isn’t another reason for the tiredness such as a vitamin/mineral deficiency, a virus/illness, or pregnancy (if it’s the female and this one can be a real energy stealer!)

Either way, to get out of this rut it’s a matter of putting yourself first for a change. Now don’t just read this and disappear out into your day, if you really want to change your life, the first thing you need to do is to make a change. Schedule in 10 minutes to do the list I suggested and then schedule time to do it… you want to get back between the sheets right? Then just do it!

Here’s to your relationship and sexual evolution!

To read the other parts in the series:
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 1
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 3: The “not feeling loved/fallen out of love” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 4: The “been together a while and fallen into routine sex” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 5: The “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 6: The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut