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What’s Behind the Swinging Door

I was on The Circle this morning and even though my 6 minutes turned into 8 minutes, I still didn’t get to answer all the questions in detail… So Yumi, this is for you since I know you were more curious about the lifestyle itself and I didn’t get to really spend time answering your question.

CLICK HERE to go to The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples.

NOTE: Raunchify is NOT a swingers event, it is an event for women who have lost their mojo… I spoke about “Going from Rut to Raunchy; Get out of Your Head and Back into Bed!”

Please leave comments and questions below, and if it’s a great question, I’ll do another YouTube video just for you!

What Do You Mean, " Swinger "?

(Originally posted at

The decision to assume the Twitter name “LAswinger” was actually a calculated one. To the novice, or someone not involved with the lifestyle, it evokes a general concept of the definition of “swinger.” To the experienced, however, it likely raises at least a question: what kind of swinger?

Saying you’re a swinger is like saying you’re a flower. Are you a rose? A tulip? Do you bloom seasonally? Swingers come in all varieties from the single guy who gets the occasional invite to meet with the random couple here and there in the privacy of their home to the couple hosting fetish parties at an adult club every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday…and in the summer – Sunday daytime bbq events because when you think grilling out weather, you probably also think orgy. How someone “plays”, how often they “play” and whom they prefer to “play” with varies. The reason for that variation has quite a range of reasons. For some, its the goal of fulfilling specific fantasies. For others, it’s a developed fetish that brings satisfaction at a higher level than “traditional” intimacy. Some just enjoy the entire experience that starts with the anticipation of locating, contacting and deciding to attend an adult club, going and then seeing what happens.
Even once you’ve figured out the basic “way” you fit into The Lifestyle, there’s more to consider. If you’re a single guy are you interested in couples, single women, or both? Are you mature enough to get invited to an adult club and actually act like it’s not a big deal? Can you show up at a couple’s house and get it up while the husband sits in the corner stroking himself or giving direction? Can you help him DP his wife? If you’re a couple are you “full swap” or do you swap for foreplay only? Do you play in the same room? Are you simply seeking a particular age or race of man for her? Do you prefer meet-n-greets at hotels or fully prepared adult clubs? Or do you simply like to treat it like most people treat dating these days, and just search adult sites like AdultFriendFinder?

Seems like a lot to figure out, but it really isn’t. You’re into what you’re into and it’s about that simple. You may venture down a certain path just to see if it sparks anything, and if so, you might add it in to your repertoire. Or you give it a shot, decide it doesn’t do it for you, and revert to your previous level of involvement in The Lifestyle. That happened for me. Always willing to at least see a different path in The Lifestyle, I attended a free BDSM style party. Maybe tying a chick to a rack and wailing on her with a cat-o-nine tails was my thing – and it could’ve been – except something interesting happened. There was plenty of tying up and plenty of straps whacking asses and backs, but there was no intercourse. These people got off more on the disciplining than the actual having sex! Now, that’s not true of all BDSM participants, but this party was sex free, and I’m only in the game for the sex!

Where I land on the “Swinging Spectrum” depends on the potential participation opportunity. I’ll tell the full story of my swinger experience another time, butbesides the one and only BDSM event, I’ve experienced the following:

*organized swingers clubs as part of a couple (I gender balanced once also – I’ll explain in another post)

*organized swingers clubs as a single guy

*hotel events (a room/suite is rented – it gets too crowded sometimes)

*bukkake parties (probably my 2nd least favorite behind the BDSM fiasco)

*success through adult “dating” sites including single women, couples where sometimes the hubby wants to be present, sometimes wants to be involved (in a straight manner,) and sometimes doesn’t want to be there at all.

*craigslist casual encounters – yep, I’ve actually met and scored here

*private events set up by a few people conducted in someone’s home ranging from orgies to gangbangs

I’m running through my mental Rolodex of the last 12 years to see if I’m missing something. If I did, I’ll update you as I’m so sure you’ll be waiting with bated breath. So, what’s my preference? Honestly, it’s the one that’s next that I have an invite to and can attend! Seriously, I’m a guy and outside of the bukkake party which was less than memorable – I don’t care what anyone says, standing in a circle with 5 or 6 other naked dudes while a chick patiently waits for various explosions just seems lacking in a certain “turn on” quality for me – every other path through The Lifestyle has been exciting, interesting, sometimes a little scary (you never know what’ll happen the first time you knock on a new couple’s door) and most of all sexually fulfilling. I’m not the type of person that has to have a particular type of sex to get off. I’m simple: YOU want to get naked, with ME? And do stuff? Sounds like a great idea.

It’s usually why I do well with couples looking for a single guy – probably my most successful and consistent involvement I’ve had in The Lifestyle. Couples tend to be looking to have a particular thing accomplished when they invite another guy into the room. Whatever it is varies from couple to couple, but since I’m almost completely “go with the flow”, I become valuable. A lot of single guys in The Lifestyle will meet a couple, but only if the hubby is just watching. Or not there. Or they’ll meet a couple and want to get sexual WITH the hubby. For me, other than the fact that I’m 100% straight, I’m pretty open to take a shot at helping them accomplish whatever their fantasy/sexual goal is. It makes me valuable as a single guy and that’s a flooded market. Of course, now I’ve been seeing Secretluvr so we function mostly as a couple, but since I have more free time and my taste in age ranges skews a little higher than hers, I still have a couple or two that I get along with. So it’s simple. Once the door is open, you decide how far down the path you’d like to walk and where you’d like to mark your own trail. I’d bet you’ll find some people who’ve already started walking that way when you get there. [/protected]

Facebook Strategies and Etiquette for Swingers

It’s the 21st century and the era of social media, which is great for connecting and sharing but can also be a recipe for disaster if you’re unaware or aren’t prepared. And if you are a person who is also a swinger that loves to share, then it’s “danger Will Robinson!” (Ok, showing my age now I think).

The following are just suggestions, take what you think will work for you and weigh up the risks of doing the opposite – no, seriously, think first on this one because once it’s out in the cyber world, you can’t take it back! (I know, I tried!) These are not the only strategies or ideas, but they work.

My number one strategy; create a separate “fun” account for your “alter ego”. While Facebook allows you to put people into lists and you have the capability to allow certain lists to see, or not see, your posts and updates, it is still very easy to make a mistake (trust me on that one). So to keep your vanilla friends separate and minimise the potential for accidentally drunk posting a comment on your wall saying “Me + 6 boys = hot fun times” where your devout catholic father can see it, a separate account is the way to go. Plus it’s kind of fun to have a naughty persona you can let loose with.

When friending people on your Facebook accounts, keep them separate; so don’t use your fun account to friend playmates vanilla accounts, and vice versa. Use your fun account to friend your friends fun profiles only, and keep your vanilla profile friended to their vanilla profile, this minimises those times when you post a comment on their vanilla profile “come to my husband’s birthday” status from your fun account saying “Busy, going to but will make it up to him in all the ways we both know he enjoys ;)” (Yes, done this one).

Having two profiles can get confusing as to who you are logged in as, if you have their vanilla profiles on both it’s easy to post as your fun self which can blow your alter ego’s cover and have people asking questions… Especially if you post on your husband’s vanilla profile saying “Love you babe, can’t wait to be wrapped in your arms again” from your fun profile. Another good reason to keep fun to fun and vanilla to vanilla, and if possible, both of you have fun profiles!

Some people only have the one profile (their vanilla one) which has their friends, family and potentially work colleagues on it so you can choose to friend them or not if you are concerned about ousting them, but I recommend you allow them to choose to let your fun profile friend them instead and then be extremely mindful of what you post or how you comment on their status’s. Best practice in this scenario is to keep all public posts/comments vanilla and only send risqué private messages.

If having two profiles seems like too much hard work then the another way, which I briefly touched on earlier, is to put your friends in lists such as “family/vanilla” and “swingers/playmates” then make sure you tell Facebook which list to share (or not share) a post with. Personally I think this takes more work than having an account where you don’t have to think too much about what you can and can’t say, and who to, but each to their own. Either way you are keeping them separate.

One other thing that caught me out, Facebook messaging and chat can both be sent to groups! Yes, more than just you… So check whom the message is being sent to first before you reply swinger-style, and where possible, don’t hit “reply to all”. The safest option; send a separate message to them directly just to be sure (wish I’d read something like this earlier!)

At the end of the day we’re all human and while we take steps to prevent the cross over and saying the wrong thing, it does occasionally happen (particularly to those who are share-a-holics). The best thing you can do is to admit you stuffed up, beg forgiveness (grovel if you have to), delete their vanilla profile to stop it happening again, and move on.

If anyone else has other strategies or Facebook scenario conflicts, feel free to comment or ask your questions, I’m sure I haven’t covered every possible sharing violation here. Until then, enjoy your sexual exploration and try not to share too much information on the wrong walls!

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

The Top 3 Signs You are Ready to Be Swingers!

One question I get asked repeatedly is “how do we know if we’re ready to be swingers?” Unfortunately it’s not as easy as going for it when you see a pop up like the indicator for a nicely cooked turkey, or a alarm that goes off saying “it’s time” so you know it’s time to strip off naked and join in the fun.

Also important to note is sometimes “mostly ready” is ready enough; if I waited to do things until I was 100% certain, then there is long list I would never have attempted and a lot I would have missed out on. Mr Wonderful wasn’t 100% about swinging, but when we got into it he became ready, and it is now a part of our regular (if you can call it that) lives.

So while it’s not a cut and dry “yes we’re ready”, there are signs that let you know you can at least start dipping your toes in the shallow end of the swinging pool. While these aren’t the only signs, they are the more important ones and should be present before you make the final decision to go for it.

1. You’re BOTH curious! Let’s face it, if only one of you is keen to check it out then you as a couple, are not ready. Entering this lifestyle for someone else, or dragging your partner into it (potentially kicking and screaming) is more likely to bring up additional issues rather than keep everyone happy. Sometimes it just takes a little while for the second partner to come around but if you are patient, and allow them to do what they need to do to become comfortable with the idea of trying it, then when they are ready, you’re both good to go (provided the next two signs are present that is).

2. You are able to effectively communicate your thoughts AND feelings, and you both actively work through problems as they come up. You are about to take your relationship into new territory and you will never know how you’re going to react until you are in the situation. You can’t account for everything that might make you feel frustrated, uncomfortable or even jealous (trust me, even those who aren’t normally jealous types have had it come up for one reason or another). If you have great communication skills and strategies together, it won’t matter what comes up you will be able to work through it, even having each experience strengthen your relationship instead of damaging it.

3. You can read your partner! If you have been together long enough, after a while you are able to tell what mood your partner is in by looking at them or watching their behaviour. Being able to read each other can be a serious relationship saver when engaged in a swinging situation if one of you is not ok. I find this is the criteria new couples are often lacking because they haven’t been together long enough to know each other’s signs or behaviours. It’s not enough to ask your partner if they’re ok and to keep going if they answer “yes” because sometimes they aren’t. It takes maturity to pick up on your partners un-okness and to make the decision to leave the party and address their needs. Trust me, it can be hard to pull yourself away from the hot, wild and raunchy fun, and equally as hard to tell your partner you aren’t ok, so it’s being able to read your partner and act on what you know to be the truth over what they say which will make all the difference.

Swinging is the ideal relationship builder when you have all the basic foundations, but at the end of the day your relationship has to be the number one priority as well as your partner, their needs and wants. You are a team as you go into this and as a team you deal with anything that comes up, so keeping that in mind as you wander into new and exciting territory will be a saving grace in those moments where you have to choose between new fun and stepping back to help your partner overcome stuff that has come up for them.

There is a more comprehensive relationship readiness test in The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples who want to explore threesomes, foursomes and moresomes, if you are serious about being prepared to take this step. It goes into detail about how-to get started, and answers many of the “what if” questions many new couples have about their relationship, changes and what to expect. Being informed is what takes away fears and concerns and arms you with the tools you need to make the transition as smooth as possible.
As long as you are both keen and open to it, can communicate and read each other then you will have the most important elements to cope with the transition from vanilla to swinger! Are you ready?

Swingers are a Girl’s Best Friend!

I tell you what; the women in the lifestyle are generally in the best position to get what they want and single women even more so! By the way, we call them “unicorns” because they are almost mythical creatures and they are very much in demand!

When you go onto any dating oriented website, the ratio of males to females is almost astronomical. The ladies really do get to pick and choose. Couples are close behind and the poor single guys have to prove they are better than their competition just to get a look in (that’s a whole other article). But it’s the single gals that really can get a lot from their swinging playmates and the lifestyle in general, so to the curious single gals out there, this article is for you.

I may have an ulterior motive on this one but meh, I can write what I want!

I get a lot of requests from couples (through Connecticity) for single women. They want to try a threesome, the female of the couple is generally bi/bi-curious, and most women I know have tried it or continue to enjoy it. So they are looking for that special someone who wants no-strings-attached play dates with at least a woman (in most cases) and potentially a man too.

Couples find it harder, at times, to find another couple where they are both attracted to the other two. Often there is only one person that a partner is attracted to, so it takes more time to find the right people. For that reason, a single lady is ideal (and it’s not always about the girl on girl action).

Being a single lady in the scene means that you often get free entry into couples events (that sometimes cost couples over $100 to attend), invitations to come back repeatedly, referrals to other clubs/events/couples (as a playmate) and single ladies get to pick and choose who they play with. You could quite easily fill your phone contacts with couples you can call on to enjoy a night of no-strings-attached raunchiness.

The swinging scene is a playground that creates quite a safe space (no pressure environments and with the right people), for women to explore their sexuality, and to explore what sex has to offer with it’s various positions, a multitude of playmates who all have different skills and techniques, and a bunch of sexy people on the menu. I have personally learned more about how my body works, and discovered new ways to enjoy sex by being in the lifestyle. Oh and have met some very sexy people along the way!

The majority of couples have a very solid relationship so as long as your intention is purely physical; to have fun and then move on eventually, whether that’s after the first time or years from now, then couples are looking for you (no, really, they are… and lots of them!) For the same reason, they are safe to enjoy that physical fun with if you aren’t ready to settle down because they are already very happy in their relationship.

The best part is that couples generally treat their playmates with respect and are keen to have a single female join them on a regular basis; they will do their best to impress and take care of you. Some fantastic friendships with benefits have started this way… Sometimes couples even have a beloved single man in their friendship circle and cupid gets a look in. You just never know when you’re going to meet a special someone!

The majority of people in the lifestyle are committed to playing safe, and many couples have children so they are not likely to engage in unsafe sex. Many also get regularly tested and treated if anything shows up. It’s very important to the couples in the scene to be disease free and hygienic. Word can get around about who to avoid just as easily as about who to enjoy. For single women who want to play as safe as possible, the swinging couples are at the top of the list!

So if you are a woman who really enjoys sex, is open-minded, isn’t intentionally looking to settle down into a relationship, is curious or exploring sexuality, likes meeting new people and sometimes just wants some one-night stands without having to pick up some random in a pub/club, then this is the scene for you!

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

Lick For Girls – Swingers: It’s Not What You Think!

At the beginning of the year I came across an advertisement for “Lick-Melbourne”, an event that is predominantly for girls (but man-bags are allowed), and it was an exciting thought because meeting single girls can be difficult in the swinging scene (we call them unicorns for a reason) so my initial thoughts were “Yay! A whole bunch of girls who like girls in one place, surely it has to be easier to meet a bi girl that way”.

Lick is a girls event and has apparently been attracting a bunch of swingers, however, swingers are getting a bad reputation at this event because they going along as if it’s another swinging event like Saints or Purr – to pick up women. I mean, it sounds like you’ve hit the jackpot when you hear there’s an event which draws all lesbian, bi and bi-curious girls, but that’s not what this even is for and I for one, don’t want swingers to have a bad reputation anywhere so this article is to help clear it up!

I approached Natalie, Lick’s creator and organiser, and thought I’d interview her to write this article and clear it up for all other swingers who might also have the wrong idea about Lick. So here she is:

1. Tell me a bit about your story, how did you come to be such a large part of Lick Melbourne?

I came up with the concept for ‘Lick’ back in 2006 when I first came out. I was 24 and found it hard to meet other like-minded girls, and when I went out to ‘lesbian clubs’ I didn’t feel comfortable being there. I dreamt of a safe place to go to that had beautiful, friendly girls, great music, great entertainment in a comfortable environment. Four years later I stopped thinking about it and finally got the push to actually walk my talk.

2. What is the vision for Lick? Where do you hope it will go?

My aim for Lick is remain consistent with its quality in music, entertainment and venue. The most important thing for me is to aspire to ensure every girl that walks in and out of a Lick night remembers each and everyone and feels they got their money’s worth from all that we offer in the one night.

The Lick brand has become something like a family name that girls are proud of being a part of. It has a ‘family’ feeling to it and the girls that wear our t-shirts and hoodies wear them with so much pride. The name has created a sense of belonging and togetherness amongst the girls, something that I am so proud of being able to provide. I hope to have a Lick event in every major city in Australia and eventually take Lick internationally, something I have already started working on with the contacts I made on my recent overseas trip.

3. What are the common misconceptions about Lick?

Lick is an event for ‘girls-who-love-girls’. We don’t leave any girl out. We get quite a lot of bisexual/bi-curious girls. In none of my advertising will you see solely the word ‘lesbian’, because it’s for those who feel comfortable within themselves to know that they are part of our LGBTIQ community. In saying that, the common misconception I get are from ‘swinger’ couples that contact me asking if they are welcome to attend for this activity (swinging), and it’s important to clear this misconception up as creating a safe and comfortable environment for the Lick guests is so important to me.

I went along to the last event and I took a gal pal with me, left my man bag at home and went with the intention of having a fun night out, to connect with other girls IF the situation arose, but not with the intention of picking up and taking them home to my Mr Wonderful. I was there for me and if I made some new gal pals as purely friends, then I was happy with that. As it turned out, that’s exactly what happened, I now have a new lesbian friend whom I get to ask all my curious questions of ?

Being the eternal observer I am, I watched as groups of girls, who were friends, enjoyed having drinks and dancing together, and noticed there weren’t huge amount of gals who appeared to be mingling or on the prowl to meet someone new. This only proved to me the event was more about celebrating and having a night out in a predominantly girl environment and not to play. And Natalie has told me in a previous conversation, girls had complained to her because they were being hit on by swingers… Hence the bad reputation swingers were getting at Lick.

So there you have it, Lick is about having a night out with a bunch of other girls who are also celebrating their love or interest in girls, it’s not a goldfish bowl full of potential playmates but know it doesn’t mean you won’t meet one either, just allow it to naturally evolve as opposed to looking to make it happen.

Lick happens every 3 months in Sydney and Melbourne, and soon to be in other major cities around Australia so if you are bi or bi-curious (or lesbian), absolutely go and check it out, it’s not every night you get to enjoy a girlie night out… literally!

Oh and the Lick dancers are awesome and that alone made it a great entertaining night! See you there 🙂 – The next event 1st July 2011

See my review of Lick – Melbourne here: Lick Melbourne Review

Playmates as Colleagues – Pro or con?

The idea of working with a playmate has been the subject of many a fantasy with secret rendezvous’ at lunch or sneaking a cheeky look, a kiss or even a spank throughout the day. It can be a huge turn on; having to sit across from someone you are highly attracted to and not be able to… well, you know what I mean. Although if it was really a fantasy, I’m sure there would someone bent over a desk or pinned up against a wall at that point (surely it can’t just be my fantasy, right?)

Having a playmate as a colleague can also pose different problems, which may not be such a fun experience and are often not thought about. So whether you are about to take a job where you know there is a playmate in the house, or you decide/discover a colleague in the scene and are considering making them a playmate, here are a few things to consider.

Going forth with some of the fantasy (mine at least) and actually playing in the office is usually a bad idea (I’d like to point out that I said “usually” as there are cases where it’s easy and possible to do making it a great idea!). Most offices have cameras and while I’m sure you’d make the securities guards day/night a whole lot more interesting, you just never know who else is going to see it, who’s going to upload it to the Internet or post stills of it on sites your workmates frequent in the privacy of their own home. On top of that, you just never know who is going to head back for an impromptu visit because they forgot or need something.

It’s quite likely you will get in some hot water with your employers about “inappropriate behaviour”, and I’m pretty sure most people who have a job, need it and it would be a shame to jeapardise it for the sake of a little fun, even if it was mindblowing! Besides, who wants anyone walking in when you’re about to have an earth shattering orgasm?

Now, if you were to carry on the play outside the office, there is nothing they can do about it. Well, unless you get caught by the police having sex in a public place, but that’s a whole other problem (get a room people, please).

Apart from the obvious, other things to consider are partners. While they are ok with you playing with other people when you are in the scene together, working with them and being in the same space as one 5 days a week might be a different story, so it’s best to sit down and chat to your partner about what they feel comfortable with and what they don’t. While you may be able to carry on with a little hanky panky during the workweek, the boundaries for what you can get up to might be determined by the partners, not you two.

If you have the ok from partners for lunchtime kisses and a spank here and there, it’s time to chat with the colleague/playmate and find out what is ok with them. Some people are really black and white in that they are playful outside work and absolutely not while at work. Me, I’m playful either way but tend to act more professional at work, although the innuendo can tend to fly thick and fast (got to have some fun!)

The beauty of having a playmate at work is the fact you can’t play with them but you can see them and flirt covertly. It can be a real tease, creating sexual tension and making the workday so much more fun. On the flip side though, seeing them every day in a work context can take away the spark because they are always there and all of a sudden you are seeing them in a different light.

It’s easy to be attracted to someone when you see them in an environment where it’s all about sex and fun, but seeing someone in their everyday life, or how they are at work, can definitely impact their attraction factor (not always but you have to know it’s a gamble in that way). This is where it will up to the 2 of you (or the 4 of you) to keep it spicy and fun.

You also need to think about what happens if you get to a point where you are kind of over them and no longer want to be playmates. Could it affect how you feel about your work place? Will it be uncomfortable? I highly recommend having an open conversation at the beginning and both table the fact this can happen and how you will communicate it if and when you get there. Partners are for life, playmates are usually temporary (even if they last a few years) so have your exit strategy to enable you both to still work together!

Apart from that, enjoy whatever you can within the boundaries of your partners and your colleague/playmate, and feel free to share any raunchy stories that you both get to live out since the rest of us will never be able to do the whole sex in the office fantasy (although the CEO’s office doesn’t have a camera…. Hehe)

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

When Friends Turn into Unexpected Playmates!

Now for some people this is a fantasy come true! When you get into the lifestyle, it’s not uncommon to wish some of your friends were in it too because for a while now you’ve been appreciating their sexiness, and perhaps on more than one occasion you’ve said you “could go a bit of that…” Well at least in your head you have, but either way you enjoy the fantasy of it all.

That’s not the only way it happens either… We met a couple who, from the outset, said that they just wanted friends they could talk to about their experiences and were not interested in playing with us, which I completely respect. Not everyone is going to be attracted to us, even if we are sexy as (lol)! But knowing that information gave us some very clear boundaries and it let us know how we were expected to behave.

Now, this is where the confusion happens for most. When you know it’s just a friendship, it’s clear where the boundaries are and what everyone expects to happen when you get together. When you are in a swinging situation with playmates, there are pretty clear expectations as to where the catch up is going. But what about when you have people in your life that are both?

What started as a friendship with a lifestyle in common, turned into an unexpected playship (playmate + friendship) but there were no real conversations around this evolution, it just kind of happened (doesn’t it always?) It’s not uncommon in this lifestyle to find yourselves in similar situations where the boundaries have changed, leading to confusion for all.

This was new territory for all of us and the problem was that then every interaction came with a bunch of questions and thoughts. Here are some examples of our neurotic heads when we were just “catching up for coffee”:
– Is it just coffee? Or is “coffee” code for something else?
– And are they expecting something else or just expecting coffee?

– Should I give them a real kiss hello and goodbye? And are we allowed to kiss passionately when only one partner is there?
– How will I know what is ok to do and what’s not ok?
– (If they make subtle comments and innuendo) Is that a hint or are we just doing the usual banter?

It didn’t seem to matter what the catch up was, whether it was coffee or “come over for dinner” or “lets meet up at the beach”, “lets go for a BBQ with the kids”, the thoughts and questions were all the same.

The problem is that these thoughts can make the catch up somewhat awkward because both parties are wondering the same thing, and if you have a great friendship and respect for each other, it can mean less sexy fun because no one is game to make a move in case it’s not a reciprocated desire. On the flip side, sometimes it can lead to the other person/people walking away feeling a little disappointed because the catch up didn’t take them down the expected road of orgasmic ecstasy.

Either way, the relationship with them has changed! So how do we get everyone on the same page and comfortable with being able to swing between friends and friends with benefits? It requires a new set of rules and boundaries to work with, as well as a new language to communicate everyone’s expectations. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you don’t need to fumble in the dark anymore!

We created our own language, or code, which you can adopt or just use it as a guide to make your own special one. We also discussed some boundaries and what-if scenarios for how we should behave so you can use those as guides too. Here we go…

If we invite the other over for a catch up, whether it is just a coffee, dinner or heading out, we add one word to the invitation:

“Open” – means we are open to playing, if the other one/couple is.

“Play” – means it’s specifically a play date and we’re expecting good times!
“Vanilla” – means there are going to be non-swingers around so we have to behave (you know, act “normal”).
“White Chocolate” – means acting vanilla but sneaking some playful moments when no one else is looking.

We discussed the desired greeting and goodbye behaviour, and what behaviour was ok in front of the kids and vanillas, by way of flirting and banter. For us we agreed that passionate kisses were preferred, and all flirting allowed as long as children and vanilla’s were not in the immediate vicinity.

Sometimes you need to be fluid with it so you need to decide on a way to communicate what’s ok, or not, without having to say so out loud. For instance, a shake of the head or a hand up suggesting “stop” or “no”, would work to stop a kiss or spank while Grandma is standing behind you.

And lastly, it’s good to openly discuss and agree that the play part is allowed to end, allowing the relationship to go back to just a friendship with something in common. Openly discussing it takes the pressure off everyone, especially the party that may want to call it quits in the future. After all, this is about having fun but keeping the friendship in tact, right?

So just like any relationship, communication is absolutely the key!

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

How to Choose the Best Clubs or Events For You as Swingers!

There are a large number of clubs and events out there in the swingers playground, and the question I get asked a lot is “which one should we go to?” There isn’t one answer so I thought I’d go through some things to consider, helping you come to your own conclusions.

There are clubs and events ranging from very classy and no play, to down and dirty, naked and graphic; from soft and mainstream to ones involving leather, whips, paddles, candle wax and nipple clamps. Whatever takes your fancy you are likely to find, mostly in the bigger cities but smaller cities have some too.

First step is to work out what kind of scene is yours. Here are a bunch of questions to ask which will help you work it out:

What kind of things are you into? Are you only into dressing up in sexy outfits but no play? Then look for events that are “no play/sex on premises” Or are you into some BDSM, kink or fetishes and if so, what ones? Somewhere like might help but do Google for other options.

Are you more interested in going somewhere that is specifically about playing? There are plenty of clubs and parties suited to that so you might want to narrow it down more.

What kind of experience do you want to have or what do you want to explore? Do you want to explore some bi play? There are clubs that specifically do bi-nights but you will have to look for them as not all clubs are automatically bi-friendly (more specifically for bi/bi-curious-men).

Do you want to try a gang-bang or are there some toys you want to play with such as a sex-swing? Some clubs have these and some have a bunch of toys you can play with too. Are you more into being a voyeur? You’ll need to make sure that it’s ok to do that at whatever club you go to because some clubs specifically want everyone to play.

What kind of environment feels most comfortable for you to be in? Are you comfortable being completely naked in a room full of people? If not then you might want to find a party that has smaller designated playrooms or isn’t a play party.

Do you prefer the comfort of a smaller group? If so then a party held in a house might suit best. Do you like the big events where you can have sex on the side? Then you might enjoy something like Saints and Sinners. Or do you want something in between? There are plenty of options here.

Once you have worked out what you want, then it’s time to find the right club for you. Now most dating/meeting websites (such as have a substantial listing of the clubs and their up and coming events. That would be a great place to start, other than that, use Google to search for other clubs in your area, ie: “swingers clubs Melbourne”.

Once you’ve found them, check out their websites and read the information they provide so you can get a feel for what kind of parties or events they hold, who they’re for, where they are and see if they provide pictures of the venue or previous party’s. Another thing I look for on their site are testimonials, knowing full well that only the best ones go up but they still give you some idea.

You can also ring the club or venue organiser and ask them questions like:

  • What kinds of people tend to come to their parties/events?
  • What is the general flow for the night? (You’re looking to find out how quickly things progress to play or what else you need to know to decided if you’ll feel comfortable with it.)
  • What’s the dress code? (So you can find out more about the kind of vibe the place has, or what you might need to add to your wardrobe.)

Another way to find out what their parties or events are like is to get in some of the dating/meeting website’s chat rooms and ask if anyone has been to that club before and what was their experience.

Next, get onto Google and do a search on the club/party/event name and add “review” in a second search to see if anyone else out there has done an independent review.

One thing that is important to note here is that you could go to the same party every month and have a totally different experience each time, so while you might read a good or bad review, your experience could be totally different so read the testimonials and reviews just get an overall feeling of it based on other people’s experience, and then if it feels mostly good, go for yourself to create your own opinion.

My suggestion is to get out and try as many different clubs, parties and events as possible and as you try them out, ask the people there what they’ve been to and which ones they like. You’ll narrow it down to a few that you frequent once you find your groove. Enjoy!

Check out “The Essential Guide For Adventurous Couples” for a comprehensive guide to threesomes, foursomes and moresomes in a committed relationship. Over 200 pages of how-to, what-if’s, tips and hints. If you’re going to do it, you may as well do it right and maximise the fun! Check it out now!

Zen and the Art of Swinging or How I Achieved Equilibrium

Hmm, that title up there makes it sound like I’m going to explain something to you, or take you step by step through a process, doesn’t it? I don’t think I could do that.

I am going to tell you that I feel enlightened. I feel calm and comfortable. I feel like, for the first time maybe ever, I understand a great mystery about male and female interaction that I never quite grasped before, and before you ask, I don’t think I could put it into words now. So this is gonna be a bit of a stroll for me as I sort of center around a concept. It’s well known that I have a problem with expectations, the want for something to happen that almost becomes a need, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized how powerful that drive within me is. How strongly my brain pushes its expectations.

I was having dinner with a friend in the lifestyle, ostensibly to help him with his own troubles, and he wound up giving me a great bit of insight into myself.


Forever, at swinger gatherings I was sort of playing a bizarro version of beat the clock. When Marilyn and my big trouble hit at the beginning of our swinging life, it was because a swinger party paired up, and somehow I got left holding the metaphorical purses. Ever since then, it’s been a race against time to find and partner up so as not to be the “last picked” or last man standing. If I didn’t find connection, or fuck, or whatever, I felt as though I’d “lost the night.”

And, as any lifestyle man will tell you, we all lose the night, except when we win.

So my friend, over some scotch, told me of a trip to Vegas, with a several club bar crawl for the evening, where he did very well with the ladies without even trying. Fascinated, I asked for more: “Because we were going to these other clubs, I wasn’t worried about making any big moves all night. I was able to just talk to women, flirt a little, and they came to me.”

It was the removal of the “end game goal” and perhaps the concept of removing end game entirely that fascinated me. And when I said goodbye for the night, he went home to think about the things I’d said, and I thought DEEPLY about those comments.

I’d been given the key, to a lock I hadn’t even realized was there before, and the next night was the first swinger party we’d been guests at since that fateful night that almost destroyed our entire lifestyle experiment in one fell swoop.

I committed this to myself, that I would go in without end game in mind. That we’re arriving at 8pm at a party that generally goes till 4. There’s no need for quick plays, for pushing, there’s really not even any need to hook up. We’re there with friends, and Marilyn promised not to leave me holding the purse.

“I’ve got your back,” she said.

“I love you,” I said, “Let’s go sexin’.”

(It’s entirely possible I didn’t say that and instead it’s just a quote from a John Waters movie I happen to really enjoy, but no need to nitpick here…)

Once inside, I found that for the first time I didn’t feel nervous, I didn’t have the pressure cooker going. I was able to say hello to people, and have some wine, and mingle and talk with friends, and introduce myself to people I didn’t know, tell women they’re beautiful, glad hand, talk websites, talk movies, talk sexy, really get to know people…

And it wasn’t too long later I was fucking a girl doggy style on the kitchen floor with people enjoying the view and my wife beaming at me thinking “How the FUCK did I do this?”

I didn’t.

That was the key. That was the piece of the puzzle that’d been eluding me. And it makes sense and looks really fucking obvious looking back now because it’s not a new insight. My interest was ambiguous, not obvious. And because of that, I was alluring. Me! Cooper Beckett! Being told “I want you to fuck me right here!”

I know, I know, the readers of this website seem to have a misguided belief that I’m some sort of UBER-SWINGER, but no no, I wrestle with many insecurities that hamper that status on a day to day basis. But this was a breakthrough. Later in the evening, it happened again, with another girl I’d flirted and chatted with, gave a momentary kiss to, now on the bed, panties down, telling me to fuck her.

And it amazed me that, seemingly, the secret to having control of yourself in this lifestyle (perhaps in any) is to allow yourself to relinquish control. As soon as I stopped trying to hook up, it suddenly became easier than I ever imagined.

I took the “End Game” theory a bit further, even. On a date with a close friend, I was having difficulty reaching orgasm, and after a while, difficulty maintaining the erection. Something that I could sense happening for a number of reasons, including the amount of wine I drank at dinner, the very full meal, the very long day. In the past these moments were terror inducing, I’d close my eyes and try to talk some sense into the cock, which only got me more and more panicked, and more and more stressed.

But in this moment, I simply told her “I don’t think it’s going to happen, and it’s okay, I’m not that worried about it. This feels amazing.”

I don’t even know where the words came from. It was as though I was telling myself this very thing at the same time I was relaying it to her. It’s true, even in the past when I’ve had trouble the sensation from the handjob or blowjob or whatever was happening at the time was always wonderful, I was just spending too much time stressing about things to notice. But here I was completely extracting the perceived end game from the proceedings. And you know what? Even though I didn’t cum, I had a wonderful time as always, just this time with none of the stress of wondering “why can’t I cum?” or “why am I not hard?”

So what am I saying?

Maybe that you can do this too. ’Cuz, I’m a fucking neurotic and a paranoid, my brain doesn’t know how to turn off to just ENJOY, it sits there and evaluates and REvaluates over and over until I can’t focus on anything except the questions in my head.

And I did it. I hit ZEN. I turned the questions off and enjoyed the ride.

Now go and do likewise.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Swingset
(Article originally posted on Life On The Swingset)