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Are You in a Sexual Rut? Part 3: The “Not Feeling Loved/Fallen Out of Love” Rut

There are 2 parts to this sexual rut or lack of libido. For some people it’s a wake up call to make some major decisions in regards to your relationship, for others it’s just a wake up call to remind you to do something now while you still can. I’ll discuss both so please keep reading if you’re not in the first group.

Lack of libido can be a symptom of where your relationship is at, at least for one of you. This is one that happened for me and it was my wake up call to make some major decisions. I didn’t realise this was the case until he flat out asked me “aren’t you attracted to me anymore?”. This was a shock to me because my first thought was “no, I’m not” and I couldn’t work out when that happened or why. It wasn’t long after that the relationship ended; I’d fallen out of love and it wasn’t recoverable for me.

This is a good time to get really honest with yourself. Notepad and pen ready? The key here is to write down the very first thought you come up with because that’s the real answer… Now ask yourself:

* Am I still attracted to my partner?
* Am I still in love with them?
* Am I prepared to do something to build my relationship?

Now depending on your answers, your actions from here may be different… If you answered no to all of them as a first thought, it might be time to seriously look at where you are at as it’s possible you’ve fallen out of love. The question is, is it recoverable?

I’m not saying that at this point it’s time to leave the relationship, that’s not always the case. If you answered yes to at least one of them or can honestly say you still love the other person, and you aren’t sure about moving on, then don’t. Don’t ever leave unless you are 99% sure it is the best and right decision for you.

For me I knew I couldn’t go back when the thought of heading in my own direction produced a feeling of utter relief. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I figured if that’s how I felt about being without him, and thinking about staying made me feel miserable and trapped, then it was best for me to follow my heart and do what was right for me… and the right thing for me was to move on. This was not an easy decision but one I was sure of before I executed it. No regrets.

If you know you’re at a point where it’s time to go, and you are more than absolutely sure, and I mean ABSOLUTELY SURE, then don’t waste time letting your partner think you’re both ok, or prolong any misery for the 2 of you. You need to create the time and space to fully consider this and decide. This is not something I am going to spend time talking about in this article but I recommend emailing me or someone else who can confirm you are making the right decision and help you to plan your life from here as well as help you to cope and grow through the changes your decision will create. It’s never an easy thing to do or be a part of. Get support.

If you aren’t at that point yet, congratulations, you have an opportunity to save your relationship! Maybe you have just grown apart a bit, or fallen out of sync so think of this as a warning light, something to let you know that it’s time to do something about it before it’s too late. It’s time to fall in love all over again and I highly recommend doing this on a regular basis whether there are issues in your relationship or not.

What did you used to do when you first got together? What things make you both laugh? What things help you both connect and bond? What mades you want to rip each other’s clothes off and make wild, passionate love? What was going on back then that had your libido in over drive?

Maybe it’s time to implement a regular “date night”! Date night – a night for just the 2 of you; be a couple in love doing what couples in love do. Go out for dinner, a movie, go bowling or skating, mountain bike riding or whatever takes your fancy. Plan it today and do it this week. No excuses!

If you have kids this is even more important because you need to teach them how to create a phenomenal relationship which is best done by being a living, breathing, example of one.

For any relationship it is important to spend time continuing to build it and you should never stop. Just like a plant; if it’s not growing, it’s dying. It’s a living thing and it needs to be tended to and nourished every day in some small way 🙂 So get your notepad out again and do the following exercise:
1. Write a list of the things you love your partner doing for you
2. Write a list of the things that make you happy that involve your partner
3. Write a list of the things you love about your partner
4. Write a list of the things you can do for them so they also feel loved
5. Circle something on each list that you can do today and ask your partner if they’ll do the thing off the first list you would absolutely love for them to do

Sometimes in order to feel loved we need to give love first… so do something for them first!

A fantastic resource that will help you create better understanding between you, and teach you how to make each other feel loved, is a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I personally gained a lot from this book and my hope for you is that you put it on your list to buy now so you can benefit from it also. Trust me, your relationship will thank you for it, this one or the one to come.

Another thing the unloved sexual rut includes a lack of self love, but rather than complicate what I’ve written in this rut, I’ll deal more with that in the “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut so keep an eye out for that one 🙂 Now stop reading and either go and email me if you need help with some major decisions, or go and fall in love again! Either way, do something now!

Here is to your relationship and sexual evolution!

Are You in a Sexual Rut Part 2: The “Got Too Much Going On/Too Tired” Rut

I know this one only too well being a person that tends to take on too much. Often the ambitious or go-getter types are in a sexual rut like this, but also the mum’s and dad’s who work full time. You only need a couple of sleepless nights to really throw your sex life out of whack. And for the ambitious go-getter types, it’s just not on the long list of things to do. This is an easy rut to fall into and sometimes difficult to remedy.

Ultimately the solution is to create some time to chill out, rest, relax and store some energy rather than expending it. Depending on how burnt out you are will depend on how long you need to chill out before you start building energy. The longer you work on in your burnt out state, the longer it takes to recover – trust me on that one, I’ve done this multiple times and done it well!

When you start to see the signs and symptoms (ie: too tired most days for anything including sex, lacking in energy and motivation, more emotional and less patient), then it’s time to put yourself first for your own health, the health of your relationship and the health of your sex life. Take some time out and it won’t be long before you are in the mood for something a little more exciting.

For the ambitious go-getters, this means scheduling time out in your calendar. Yes, it’s true – SCHEDULE TIME OUT! It’s very easy to fill up your day with all the things you think you need to do; everything has a priority but if you don’t have the energy to do any of them, or do them well, then you’re not being as productive as you could be.

I know what it’s like and I can tell you from experience, breaks during the day and full days off make you more productive. You have the energy and inspiration to do what you do quicker and more brilliantly. Working while you are burnt out will feel like you’re forcing yourself so you’ll struggle to be motivated. You’ll do a half assed job and everything and everyone else in your life suffers as a consequence. Do yourself a favour, your down time is just as important as the work or project you’re doing.

Dare I say it, sometimes having a “DVD day” is the best medicine. Nothing but quality couch time watching DVD’s all day, with some great healthy snacks, no work, not thinking about work or anything that creates worry or stress, it’s a real time out day! Other things you can do are getting out into nature, walk along a beach, get out in the bush or local parkland, do something fun.

Your down time gives you the energy you need for your work time. Energy in (down time), energy out (work time). Take 5 minutes when you finish reading this to do this exercise.

1. Split the page in 2, write “Energy In” on one side and “Energy out” on the other. On the “Energy In” side.
2. Write down everything you can think of that gives you energy, the things you could do all day long if given the opportunity, things you are passionate about, are fun, are relaxing or fulfil you in some way. The people that energise you also go on this list.
3. Then on the “Energy out” side, write all the things that take energy for you to do, so work, house cleaning (unless you love it and that goes for work too), dinner with the inlaws (unless you like them :o)), or anything that isn’t fun, that drains energy from you and that includes the people you spend time with. Some people really do drain your energy, also known as “energy vampires” and you can guess why.

For the partners of too-tired-rutters, your role is to help them create the time and space to really rest and relax. This may mean taking on some of the load, or sometimes forcing your partner to take time out… in a loving way though; handcuffing them to the bed is not quite what I’m thinking of however there is a time and a place for that. Often they don’t realise they are over working and you’ll be able to see it first so be their alarm system.

There are times where the perpetual tiredness is an actual health issue. If some serious time out isn’t helping, I’d recommend seeing a health professional to check that there isn’t another reason for the tiredness such as a vitamin/mineral deficiency, a virus/illness, or pregnancy (if it’s the female and this one can be a real energy stealer!)

Either way, it is no fun to be in a sexual rut so to get out of it, it’s a matter of putting yourself first for a change. Now don’t just read this and disappear out into your day, if you really want to change your life, the first thing you need to do is to make a change. Schedule in 10 minutes to do the list I suggested and then schedule time to do it… you want to get back between the sheets right? Then just do it!

Here’s to your relationship and sexual evolution!

Day 3 Sex Camp: Tie Me Up, Now!

So walking into Sensual Rope Play after being opened up energetically (heart and sexually especially), may have slightly… well no, to be honest, it quite likely massively heightened the next 90 minutes for me. It didn’t matter if it did or not, either way, I was in a great space for this next adventure into something I had never even considered before.

For me, rope play was just about tying someone up, and I couldn’t think of any reason I’d want rope instead of something soft like silk ties or soft scarves.  Surely rope would hurt and the idea of rope burn?  Nah, not for me.  At least, I didn’t think so prior to this workshop.

After settling into the lap of a gorgeous man I made a connection with (who became my “man-chair” and thus he shall be called from here on in, to protect his identity).  I realised I was already tingly in all the right places.  Not long after, a gorgeous woman I’d not really met, settled into my man-chair right next to me.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I found her attractive so it didn’t take long before the three of us were intertwined; arms and legs on each other… *breathes*

It was hot in the room before the presenters even got started!  Or was it just me?

Hebari and (damn, can’t remember his name) were our tour guides into the world of Sensual Rope Play and they started by telling us a bit about their experience and where they learned their craft.  I was not surprised to hear they spent some quality time in Japan learning the art of rope; the Japanese have a reputation for beauty, discipline and ritual, and this was no different (as I discovered).

I was trying hard to focus and not be distracted by my own little sex-charged pod, but I think it only helped me see the sensuality of it all.

First step, to find out who wanted to be tied up and who wanted to be the person doing the tying (the Rigger – in case you wanted to know the correct term).  I would normally have gone for the Rigger role, but to be true to my Sex Camp intention, I was there to expand my experience and try things I wouldn’t normally do, so my hand went up to be the person tied up.  It seems most of the room was in the same space, we had more people who wanted to be tied up than Riggers.

The gorgeous woman I was wrapped in also wanted to be tied up and our lovely man-chair was keen to be the Rigger.  She was nearly volunteered to tie someone else up but I (and then we) negotiated with the presenters for her and I to both be tied up by our man-chair.  I may have had other plans for her… Success!  She was mine… or ours, lol!

“Who would like to volunteer?” was the question Hebari asked, and seconds later, up jumped a woman who was nearby; no arm twisting required… The promise of being tied up must have been enough, and now I can understand why.  I would have volunteered, but that would have meant leaving my threesome, and I was being fueled by the sexual energy between us so I wasn’t keen to go anywhere… If I could have slowed time down, I would have!  Addicted much?  Happily 🙂

He started off by having her sit cross-legged right in front of him, and then had her lean back on his chest.  He crossed her arms across her chest, and had his crossed over the top of hers; almost like he was giving her a big hug.  Then he got her to breathe deep and slow, and he matched her; breathing in sync… They breathed in… and out… in… out… in… out… Getting slower and slower.  It seemed as though he started to control when she would breathe.  I was mesmerised as I watch the two of them connect; she relaxed more with each breath out, and as she did it was like she just let go more and more; trusting herself and trusting him… Allowing whatever was coming, to just happen.

Once she was there, he grabbed the rope, which was within easy reach, and tied it to her wrist, explaining to us how to tie it.  He only tied it to her wrist and then had her lean back, breathing in sync again and relaxing in his arms… Time seemed to stop for a moment; we were all fixated on what was happening in front of us, the moment heightened by knowing it was something we were all going to experience ourselves shortly.

The anticipation was starting to increase exponentially as we witnessed him, in one fluid motion, breathe in with her, push her out from him, wrap the rope around her and then pull her back into him as they were breathing out, wrapping himself around her again…

I couldn’t believe how erotic it was… I had never realised rope play (and possibly quite a few other types of play) were not so much about the tool itself, but the dance between the people using it.  It was beautiful, erotic, sensual and just… mind-blowing to witness.  There really is an art to it and at that point, I was sold!  Sign me up!

The dance wasn’t over; he wrapped the rope around her a few more times in the ebb and flow of their breath.  The more I watched, the more turned on I was getting, which was only amplified by the woman I was wrapped up in, with a well built sexy man wrapped around us both, and we hadn’t even got to the tying up part!

The time came though (before we all did), to give this rope thing a try.  Our man-chair tied one rope to my wrist (a nice red one I might add), and one around her wrist.  Now everyone else was paired up; just two, we were the only threesome in the room (no surprise I should be a part of it huh).

Amazingly, the rope wasn’t harsh or scratchy.  It was very smooth and the knot, as we were shown, was secure but was not to cut circulation off.  We were educated in what to watch for and what not to do, especially when it came to putting rope around necks (a lesson we stumbled into later!)

Our Rigger man-chair opted to tie the two of us together.  Her and I faced each other, sitting on the floor, my legs wrapped around her body, and hers around mine, and our arms wrapped around each other.  He then proceeded to tie the rope around us both while we were sitting there hugging and breathing on each others necks… *breathes again*

This is where it got really interesting.  The sensation of the rope around us was surprisingly good… Actually, it was more than good, it was fucking awesome (if the truth be told)!  It was unexpected to feel so secure and yet so vulnerable at the same time.

Being so open energetically was just making the woman I was tied to, and I breath in sync, which increased the sexual energy between us and we found ourselves practically pulsating together in the middle of the room.  I was bordering on needing a friggin towel; it was ridiculous!  I have never felt like that before… I was in awe of how I was feeling, how we were responding together, the expansion of my mind and the realisation I liked being tied up!  WTF?

It must have been clear we needed a break; no one in the room existed to us during that period of time so who knows how far we would have gone had we been left to our own… devices? Lol, no devices needed!

It was time to untie us and show us some other ways to tie people up;  it was time to tie some hands behind backs!  My head was going “what? No hands? But I want to use them!!!”… *breathing* “Remember, new experiences and more expansion” is what I had to tell myself as they practically had to pull her and I apart… damn…

Our Rigger man-chair tied her up, and while he was busy, I was loose although still tied at the wrist, which he held the other end of, but I still had 4 meters of length to play with… It’s dangerous to be loose when you’re feeling overly sexually charged; I may have found one or two other persons who were tied up and who were feeling a lot like I was, so kissing them was fun… I was amazed at myself; to be so bold, grrrr and raw, it was both liberating and exciting to explore something in myself I’d never known.

The rope was then pulled and I was brought back to my man-chair Rigger, as if I’d been a naughty girl and needed to be punished (yeah, ok, I kinda liked that too).  The rope was tied around both my wrists, with my hands behind my back and around my entire upper body.  It was like being bear hugged but not to the point of crushing, it just felt totally secure and comfortable, as surprising as that sounds.  You really should try it.

Hebari and his partner in crime (well, co-presenter for Sensual Rope Play) were really good in showing us how to tie the knots, variations on ways to tie people up, what not to do (which had some strong lessons), and they they helped us through the entire workshop; true professionals.  Not once did I feel uncomfortable, weird, or scared in anyway.  I would have completely trusted them to tie me up; I probably would have been putty in their hands after witnessing how respectful they were with their volunteer, and how sensual it all was…

We did a debrief discussion and was surprised to find many in the room were like me and had never played with rope before.  Some, who I thought would be the Riggers, opted to be bound and tied, and loved it as much as I did. 🙂

I had only one question before we wrapped up; being late on a Sunday evening and being a few hours drive from home, fully inspired and sexual energy running high… I really wanted to know: “Is Bunnings open at this hour so I can buy some rope?”  🙂  It probably was but no, you can’t really get the good rope from Bunnings, just so you know.

I enjoyed this workshop immensely for both it’s education and for what I found within myself by letting go and allowing the experience to be what it was… which was MIND-BLOWING!

At the end we had free time to enjoy tying or being tied up in whatever configuration we wanted, as we had at the end of all the workshops I had attended. This was the Sex Camp format and it gave everyone freedom to really explore, connect with like-minded people and enjoy their new skills or their newfound fetish/kink.  Yes, I may have found some of my own kinks in the process.

To wrap up my Sex Camp experience; I wasn’t able to stay for the closing ceremony, however, I have to say the whole weekend was a massive eye opener for me on so many levels, and it has started a new journey for me into a scene I was never interested in looking at.  I realised I know so little about the BDSM/Kink scene and while I know, at this point, I’m not into extreme play, there are many lighter levels which I may enjoy if I open my mind and give it a go.

I am also now very interested in doing more tantric work; the energy and feelings I had through the Sex Beyond Genitals workshop and beyond was amazing, actually the word “amazing” doesn’t even begin to describe how truly awesome it was.  The way I connected with both the woman in the workshop and the woman I was happily tied up to, opened my eyes to the power energy focus has on sexual charge; talk about a supercharged libido and removal of inhibitions!  Yeah, I want more of that 🙂

I was on a high for weeks after Sex Camp and like they say, once you expand, you can never go back to what you were before, and I’m glad I can’t because I have a whole new playground, and sides of myself, I want to explore.  Life ROCKS and Sex Camp was a part of my own sexual awakening (yes, I had more to go, and I still have more yet – watch this space!)

If you want to learn more, check the guys out at, Hebari was one of the Presenters. There is an art form to this and to really appreciate it, go find a Rope Dojo or Rigger who has experience in Rope Play, to show you how to do it so you can enjoy it for what it has to offer.  

*looks up her local rope dojo*

Day 3 Sex Camp: Total GRRR Factor

A slow start to what would turn out to be a mind-blowing day, which revealed a lot about myself; things I hadn’t seen or felt before.

Now, I may or may not have crawled into bed about 7am after a night of pure indulgence on so many levels (what happens at Sex Camp, stays at Sex Camp), so after I dragged myself to breakfast having had maybe 2 hours sleep, I decided to see what “Sexual Healing” was about.

Nat Ferrier did an in depth session about STI’s and sexual health, and she facilitated some good discussion around the perceptions of people with STI’s such as Herpes (very common).  It was very informative and I would recommend her to anyone who is having some difficulties with sexual health or abuse recovery (more information at the end of this article).

I have to admit, it was a great session but after only having 2 hours sleep, a full tummy and being snuggled up to a sexy man, I fell asleep during the meditation at the end… d’oh!

It may have been the powernap I needed for the next session though; “Sex Beyond Genitals” run by the gorgeous Eyal and Emma from Tantra is Love!

I wasn’t sure what to expect from this session but figured it would be about how to turn someone on without touching their genital, like caressing someone’s skin in other erogenous zones and stuff like that… Nope… Not quite.

This session had a nickname, which was quite apt and one I loved; “chakra fucking”!  Yup, that about sums it up.  Now being a non-hippy type person, I knew this was going to be a session which would stretch and educate me in ways I wasn’t sure I was ready for but what the hell, I was there and I had made the intention at the beginning of the weekend to try new things and follow my intuition, so this is where I needed to be.

The first part of the session was education about the various chakras and what kind of sexual energy is produced when you focus on those areas, which included a fabulous demonstration of which positions a couple could be in to activate those chakras during love making (don’t worry, the chakra fucking part is coming – pun intended).

Emma and Eyal appeared to be extremely comfortable with each other as they (fully clothed) showed us each position, even having some fun with it, which made it entertaining too.  When they got to the crown chakra, I was mesmerised as I watched Eyal connect with Emma energetically; they sat opposite each other and locked eyes, then Emma started orgasming on the spot!  What tha?  Damn girl!  Wish I was so orgasmic that just a look and intense stare could get me off.

Now it wasn’t a small “ohh..ohhhh… OHHHHH” type orgasm either, while there was some sound, her body writhed and was twitching for a good 5 – 10 minutes, which is what my body had started doing when I orgasmed.  I had to giggle though, she went to get up and couldn’t – her body hadn’t quite finished yet lol.

I know it sounds weird, in all honesty I felt a little uncomfortable but I knew it was just my stuff around seeing a woman orgasm in a room of 70 odd people who were just watching, and no one was naked or joining in!  Actually, it was more about the thought of how naked I would feel if it were me!

Once the demonstration was done, we were then instructed to find a partner (male-female) and sit in front of them, face to face, knees touching or legs wrapped around each other so we could connect energetically and see what happened.

I looked around before we had to go and partner up, and there was only one guy around me who I felt I wanted to do this with but he was already laying on another girl whom I’m sure he had been enjoying so would likely partner with her.  I checked in with my intuition… I was surprised to sense a need to partner with a girl.  I had some stuff I wanted to break through, in regards to increasing my comfort level of being sexual with a girl; “chakra fucking” sounded like the perfect way to do it!

When it came time to partner up, I avoided any eye connection with the guys around me and instead stood up to see who else was around.  I was surprised to see a woman behind me whom I’d had a great chat to earlier in the weekend.  She asked if I had a partner, I said no and she asked if I’d like to partner with her.  I wanted to say “hell yes” but I played it cool and said “sure”.

Can I just add at this point; I had no major sexual attraction to this woman, although she was attractive, I just hadn’t imagined any wild or intimate moments with her, like I had for a small number of other men during the weekend (who shall remain nameless of course).

So we sat knees to knees, facing each other and eye gazes locked.  We had been instructed to focus on the second chakra up (the sacral chakra), building the energy and connecting to the person in front of us.

We started to breath in sync, which began to get faster, deeper and louder, we started to move in waves; toward and away from each other as we breathed. As we allowed ourselves to build the energy between us, we also allowed ourselves to connect and let go… I was surprised to hear myself start to make sounds when I was breathing out, like I do when I’m lost in pleasure while having sex.

People around us in the room were breathing and moaning, and making sounds which I normally only hear in a room full of swingers going off!  Our gaze got more intense, the energy inside me was building and I was starting to feel the same physical sensations I do when I’m turned on, there was definitely blood flow to my favourite places.  I was wondering how this was possible but at the same time, loving the tingles and increasing desire.

Our breathing got faster and louder as we took it to a whole other level; our gaze was now more like “I want to grab you right now; strip you naked and… grrrrrrrr!”  It was deeply sensual, sexual, passionate and we hadn’t even touched each other!

Soon we were instructed to bring ourselves back down and detach but OMG, we seriously struggled to slow it down and step out of the massive sexually charged space we had created.  I don’t think either of us really wanted to stop; all I wanted to do was pounce on her, strip her naked and go to town on her, and  I got the impression the feeling was mutual.  Considering there was no real sexual attraction before this exercise, it certainly showed me what was possible and how to create, and tap into, sexual energy when I want to.  *happy dance*

Thankfully there was one more exercise to do before we could finish the workshop, it was another round of energy focus and synchronised breathing and connection.  Only this time, we were to focus on the heart chakra.  Yeah, I think they knew…

For me, this connected us on a deeper level and took us up and out of the intensely sexual energy we were in (I was kinda glad it took the edge off, although in all honesty, I wanted to go back to it too).  This was much softer and more flow oriented in the way we breathed and moved, although we still made a whole lot of sound together but we almost harmonised!

I think if we hadn’t move the connection up and out of our genital region, we may not have made it out of the workshop space without jumping each other; it was absolutely mind-blowing!  And although we didn’t, we created a definite connection, which we both want to explore more of….

Walking out of there, I felt so open sexually and energetically… And was on my way to Sensual Rope Play… Uh oh!  I wonder if being so open is what created the raging… You’ll have to read the next post 😉

For sexual eduation, energy work, support groups and workshops around sexual health, Nat Ferrier specializes in sexual health and holistic wellbeing for men and women.  Use the Contact page to request her contact details. 

Eyal and Emma are from Tantra is Love (, they do workshops for individuals and couples, and private sessions.  I highly recommend them if you want to turbo boost your sexual energy and increase connected love making with your partner (among other things).




Day 2 Sex Camp: Fun With Cock!

I umm’d and ahh’d about the next workshop I was going to go to, so I got out of my head and asked myself intuitively, which one would I enjoy and get the most out of… Fun With Cock!  Ok, sold!  Plus, anything I learned was only going to benefit hubby, and since he let me come to Sex Camp on my own, any extra benefit he received as a result only gives me brownie points, right?

Now, I hadn’t read the write up so I wasn’t quite sure what it was going to be about, but based on the title I was sure cock and fun would be involved 🙂  Enough said.

There was a good mix of genders in the room but for some weird, unconsciously programmed reason, I thought there would be a lot more women than men, but no.  Yay!

Our facilitator, Jolene, set up a mattress in the middle of the room with a pillow and towel (or blanket) on it, and that’s when my brain started going into: “Is there going to be a live cock model? Noooooo… really?  Can we do that?  What exactly is she going to do with him?  Will she make him come?  How big will he be?  Will he be able to perform with all of us just sitting around?…  Will we be playing with cocks?”

None of this made me uncomfortable but it really hit me just how different Sex Camp was in comparison to a Sexpo or Mind, Body Spirit Festival kind of environment.  In all is honestly, in the lead up to Sex Camp I thought those would be a better way to structure it so more people would be interested in coming along, but there is no way you could create such a personal, intimate and safe space for people to watch and explore these things the way we did.  I was happily wrong on this occasion and hats off to Vanessa for staying true to her vision of what Sex Camp was, and should look like!

*serious rant and apology done*

Quite a number of us grabbed cushions and sat on the floor in a circle/group around the focus point of the room; a currently unoccupied mattress and at that point I was curious as to who our model was going to be, and how far we were going to go.

Jolene stood up and introduced herself and there were a couple of things, which really stood out about her story.  First off, she was 42 and a mother of 5!  Nooooooo, no way!  Jolene is a gorgeous woman, looks mid to late 30’s maybe, a healthy size 8-10 and definitely doesn’t look like she’s had 5 kids!  Shock number one.

She then proceeded to tell us about her work; she’s a Sacred Tantric Body Worker and for some time, she has worked as a masseuse… of a different kind.  I’m not going to beat around the bush (partly because I’m personally not a fan of bush), many men go to her to be both massaged, and have their cocks played with.  Not always to the point of ejaculation but yes, it was included in the service.  I can see why it’s popular!

So basically, with cock play as a part of her career history, and having seen/massaged/played with 10,000+ cocks in her lifetime (shock number 2), it was fair to say she may know a thing or two about how to treat, and have fun with, cocks!

Jolene started with her story of how she came to be the Goddess of Cock Appreciation, which was fascinating! She didn’t originally set out to be working in this field, but found herself there through desperate times: being a young, single mother of five children, needing to feed the family and lacking any qualifications, she answered an advert for “masseuses required, training included”.

She rang and was told the massage would include hand relief. Apparently she was bought up a strict Mormon (OMG, really?  I wanted to say “you poor thing!”)…  So she had to ask what hand relief meant, and on being told, promptly put the phone down.

One month later and Jolene had fallen into more desperate times, so she rang again and was also told she would have to massage naked.  She promptly put the phone down, again.   Clearly this was pushing her boundaries but she was a mother of 5 children, sometimes you do what you’ve got to do…

Another month later, and times were even more desperate, she rang and informed her prospective employer; she was a mother of five and unsure if she looked good enough for the position.  She was asked about her size (which was size 6 at the time since she had been feeding the children, not herself) and was then invited to look at the establishment. The rest involved 10,000 cocks!  Yes, that number is still amusing to me 🙂

It is now12 years on and what started as a rub-and-tug, flip-the-men-over-like-a-pancake job, she has turned into an art form and a mission with a purpose.  Kudos to her!

Now, I don’t mind being naked, and I don’t mind giving hand relief but I wasn’t brought up as a Mormon or any other strict religious type, where even the act of masturbating was a sin you were going straight to Hell for, so I couldn’t imagine how hard it would have been for Jolene to go against, and break free from, such strong programming.  For this, I have an immense respect and admiration for her achievement and willpower to overcome it.

The most interesting part of her story were her insights; she started to notice trends in her clients.  She had many married men come to her because they weren’t getting any attention at home, and I don’t mean purely sexual, they were just craving intimacy; physical touch.  You know, that stuff us women also crave!  And Jolene was providing a service where they could be sensually touched and their cocks were not left out of the experience.  What does that say about the many marriages and relationships out there?  A post and rant for another time…

First we were asked if we had our “phallic” toys… damn, I missed the memo on bringing toys; left mine in my suitcase (yes, I did pack them)!  For those who wanted something to have in their hands, she began passing out a bunch of carrots and zucchini’s.  I didn’t grab one though, I was quite happy watching; I’m such a voyeur sometimes 😉

With the intro done and pretend cocks in hand, it was time to introduce the male cock model (as opposed to the female one?)  I won’t name names but I will share; once she got him to lay down and gently removed his pants, we were introduced to “Brian” (male models cock).

Well hello Brian!

Jolene started with a basic anatomy lesson, pointing to, picking up, showing off each of Brian’s parts.  I agree, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Dorothy; this was definitely adult Sex Ed, real cocks were never used in any anatomy class I ever did.  In fact, pictures of real cocks were not even included!  I love being an adult 🙂

Jolene was amazing.  She was extremely respectful in the way she handled Brian, particularly as Brian was not hers, although I think Brian’s owner’s partner was the wonderful lady sitting at the other head.  Jolene had handled over 10,000 cocks and yet she was still able to look at, and fondle, Brian with wonder and honest appreciation for his uniqueness.

Jolene was laying next to Brian’s owner with her hand gently stroking Brian, talking about the different sensitive areas and where to focus attention for maximum enjoyment; how to hold him, how to tease him, how to know when he’s responding positively to what you’re doing.  The entire time she was stroking and fondling Brian and seemed as though she was being very careful not to get him too worked up, speeding up a little and then slowing down so he had time to chill out…

We all asked the most important and deep questions too… “Having handled so many cocks, what’s the real average size?”  And “What’s the smallest cock you’ve ever handled?”  The answers were both amazing and shocking and no, I’m not telling you 😉

At the end of the demonstration we were given the opportunity to test it all out, for real!  The men were able to offer themselves as real live models for those of us ladies who were keen to try out our new skills 🙂  I can’t tell you how many or who did what (what happens at Sex Camp, stays at Sex Camp), but I can say it was refreshing to see people who weren’t shy to give it a go and to enjoy every moment of it what the workshop had to offer!

I personally learned a few tricks I hadn’t thought of before, and in watching Jolene with Brian and Brian’s owner, it reminded me to take my time to appreciate my husband’s cock.  I might even have the occasional “Cock Appreciation Night”… I think all women should adopt this; it goes a long way to making our men feel loved, appreciated and WANTED!  And seriously, don’t we want the same?

From here, it was onto the show (and tell – kidding) and the all-in party!!!  Ohhhh yeah 😉

(If you would like to book in with Jolene, and I highly recommend her for this work and more of the Sacred Tantric Bodywork, you can find her at Ananda House in Balmain & privately in Wollongong – use my Contact Us page to get a contact number if you would like to connect with her.)

Day 2 Sex Camp: Sensation Play Time

Lunchtime!  The only thing I was disappointed about was not having a meat option for all lunches and dinners, oh well.  The lentil burgers were pretty damn good though and my body probably loved me for it, so I embraced it as a new experience.  Mmm, embracing…

Next up I decided to attend a workshop called “Sensation Play”.  Ahhh, I’d been looking forward to it as I knew it was going to be run by the 2 Dominatrix’s staying in my dorm.  I walked in the door to find both sitting at the end of the room, waiting expectantly for their willing subjects to wander in.  Both in boots, one playing with a very nice, black, and very flexible whip in her hands… It was actually quite sensual and almost erotic to watch!

I think Sex Camp had started to have some sort of wild and kinky effect on me… Since when did I find whips sensual and erotic?

I was starting to wonder exactly how far this workshop would go after seeing her whip handling technique (which was pretty awesome I might add).  My slight anxiousness was spurred on with one of them being a self confessed bad girl who introduced herself as “Cunt…ress Gabrielle”, especially when she followed it up by saying she doesn’t play by anyone’s rules. Uh oh, what had I signed up for?

Kink was not an area I’d explored, but at this point I was willing to step into it enough and find out if it would be something I’d enjoy.   Lucky for me, this workshop appeared to be one which might push my boundaries and educate me along the way…

Within 5 minutes of it starting, both women put out an invitation for anyone who may like to come and sit beside them, to do so.  Within seconds, one man jumped up and positioned himself next to Cuntress Gabrielle.  I think it was less than a second before she had her shoe off so he could massage her foot, and then he was in prime position for her to stroke his head like a pet.

All I could think of was “good boy!”  I tried to imagine myself in her role though; could I be wildly assertive?  Could I enjoy having someone do whatever I asked, or ordered, them to do?  Could I inflict pain or tie someone up if they liked it?  Surprisingly, yes, I think it’s something I could get into!

Mistress Electra Amore, the other gorgeous Dominatrix, attracted a stunning man with longer hair and amazing eyes and while he was not ordered, or instructed, to massage her feet, he sat beside her and obeyed her every suggestion, including the ones which weren’t verbal.  She enjoyed sensually touching him, playing with his hair and… stuff…  He was her demonstration model for what she wanted us to do with each other, and in between demo’s, he was her play thing.  He clearly enjoyed being teased and touched, having his hair grabbed and her legs wrapped around him.  A display I enjoyed watching.

Sensation play was about learning how to engage the 5 senses, then activating and learning about, the 6th sense.  I won’t go into too much detail because you should try this one for yourself 🙂

Now when you have 2 Dominatrix’s at the front of a classroom with a whip and 2 pets, you kind of do whatever they ask.  I think it’s fair to say; we surrendered.  We were taken through a number of exercises to shut off one of our senses and see how heightened our other senses became, such as closing our eyes and noticing what we could smell or hear, although I think when we all heard Cuntress Gabrielle starting to wander around the room, her shoes taking slow, determined steps on the wooden floors… Many of us forgot to breathe, wondering where she was going to stop and what she was going to do as she’d already made it clear; taste was her favourite sense and she was keen on the kissing part of the workshop!

She got her wish though; towards the end of the workshop we got to test out our sense of taste, which was also an exercise in the sense of touch… Mmm, kissing… One of my favourite things to do; normally prompted by a few drinks!  This event was a “no alcohol or drugs event” so it was nice to come from a space of natural connection and using kissing to heighten both a sense of taste and a sense of touch.  The guy I ended up kissing was surprisingly soft and sensual.  I liked kissing him.  Yes, yes I did 🙂

When we talked about touch, the sensation of having your hair grabbed came up, to which I may have said (rather loudly) “oh yeah, I like having my hair grabbed!”  Just to be clear; not pulled, grabbed, there is a difference and it’s all in the hand technique!  Mistress Electra Amore demonstrated on her gorgeous model man and he just melted into it after the initial taking away of his breath.  Ohhhhh yeah… that’s what happens to me!

We then got to test that out on the people around us.  I don’t think there was anyone whose hair I grabbed, who didn’t enjoy it!  Yup, see?  I told you so; feels good, doesn’t it 🙂

It was a great workshop!  I had forgotten what it was like to heighten the senses by removing just one of them, such as sight, and am thinking some blindfolded play in the near future might be in order!  Thank you ladies for reminding me to explore and how to take the enjoyment factor up a few notches.  Rule number one, take my time and enjoy… every… moment…

At the end we got some free flow time to just go around the room and use our senses; explore what we liked and just go with the flow, so that’s what we did…

I may have ended up in a four or five way… um… thing… which was a mix of us taking turns at doing slow sensual touches up and down each others bodies; I was slowly dragging my fingers across someone’s skin, then indulged in some more urgent and passionate grabs; pulling Mr Gorgeous Man’s body into mine so we could melt into each other, his back against my breasts… Breathing in sync… I may have been breathing out some warm air on the side of his neck, just below the ear and I may have enjoyed some slow, sensual kissing; my warm moist lips on the back of his neck… Oohhhh *flashbacks*… and with my hands stretched out, moving up the back of his neck, into his hair and grabbing it firmly, triggering some moans of pleasure… I need a moment…

*snaps out of flashbacks* *straightens self up*

Our group wasn’t alone, there were definitely multiple groups indulging and exploring sensation play with each other, and with some heightened group sexual energy on the increase, which we were all feeding into, and off of… It was hard (no pun intended) to break away from it to clear the room for the next workshop *breathes*…

Oh God… can I please do that again?!?!?

(To meet, enjoy, play with, sub to the aweome Mistress Electra Amore and Cuntress Gabrielle, check them out here:  and tell them I said “hi!”)

Day 2 Sex Camp: Swinger & Anal 101

Wake up time came around all too quickly after only 4 hours sleep!  I skipped the first session, which was “Deeper Orgasms for Women” – I really should have attended and am kicking myself because I didn’t!  Oh well, next Sex Camp, I’m there!  Promise!

So I dragged myself out of bed, which was a big effort because it was so damn cold!  No central heating out there in the bush but at least in the dorm we had an open fire, a toilet and showers in the building!

Once I was looking human again, it was off to the main tent where breakfast was being served.  I was worried it was going to be some wild hippy vegetarian something, which would both taste horrible and leave me hungry until lunch time… Happy to report, not with this kitchen crew!

I was met with smiley happy people bouncing around, cooking and serving (and no, they were not on drugs), who obviously enjoyed their work!  My plate was filled with fresh English Spinach, cooked mushrooms with onion, and a fried egg.  Now I don’t usually eat mushrooms but these were awesome!  It was a culinary success in my book!  This, coming from a self confessed carnivore.  Impressive.

With my belly full, I went down to my workshop space to prepare for Swinger 101.  In all honesty, I wasn’t sure how many people would turn up and was feeling a little nervous, but as a wise friend said to me: “being nervous proves you care about what you’re doing”.  Very true!

A few people turned up at the same time as me.  I put my books and business cards out and met them over near the open fire.  I decide I was going to present from there, just sitting down on some cushions, my back against the bricks with a warm fire right next to me.  Yes, I just wanted to be warm!

Once the room looked like it had15 or so people in it, I got them to write some questions to go in the box to get things going, and maybe even keep them going if the audience were too shy to ask their questions out loud, which I half expected.

People kept coming in. And more people.  And more people! I was excited at the sheer volume who were interested in being involved in my workshop.  9:15am was start time and I think, and just purely guessing because I didn’t do a head count, there looked like 60 odd people were in the room!

Humbled by the turn out  🙂

I started by sharing the story of my journey and then straight into the question box to kick the FAQ part off.  In a room full of open-minded and intelligent people, you’d think I’d get some awesome questions, right?  Well, the first question I pulled out of the box was: “Would you like to come and sleep in my tent tonight?” Laughter breaks out.  I respond saying there was no name so I can’t say, and to meet me after class lol!

I answer maybe only 1 or 2 more questions and then the room takes over with hands going up in multiple places all at once.  I’m such a fan of multiple hands in… Oh you know where I’m going with that. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. 😉

I won’t go into full details but here is what I noticed about this audience; they were genuinely inquisitive and not so much about the surface stuff, but about the deeper level information like the impact on my kids; was I worried about them getting into sex earlier because of my lifestyle, what our Safe Sex strategies were (which turned into a full discussion about STI’s),  and dealing with jealousy.

We talked for an hour and a half and I think the discussions could have easily gone on for much longer with so many open-minded people who were fully engaged in the conversation. As a presenter, this is the kind of audience I would love to have any day!  Sex Camp really attracted the right kind of people, and for that I was extremely grateful.

At the end of the session there was a question about whether or not I would create a swingers space that night!  What?  I hadn’t prepared for that but hey, we were at Sex Camp so anything was possible 😉  I may have made a comment about following me into the night and we’d see where we end up… but what happens at Sex Camp, stays at Sex Camp so unless you were there, you’ll never know 😉

Once I was done, I was able to relax and could now take off my “professional” hat and enjoy being a participant!  Next workshop, Anal 101!  Oh yeah, Sex Camp had everything.

Presented by the gorgeous, and deliciously fabulous, Cyndi Darnell; Sex Educator and Counsellor, and also the organiser of Pleasure Salon!  She did a marvellous job of presenting anal in a very entertaining and enlightening way, which is not easy to do when it comes to your own ass, or someone else’s!

We got a no-holds-barred anatomy lesson of our entire rectal region, male and female, along with the location of the prostate for men and what it feels like – this was probably for those of us who just figured it was “up there somewhere”.   Don’t panic, I now have a map, gloves and lots of lube!

Cyndi was so relaxed about it all; but then you have to be pretty comfortable with yourself to be able to talk about the issues of “poo” when it comes to anal play.  Secretly I think many people were worried about how to prevent it; I say that so I don’t have to feel like iI was alone, but I think she summed it up nicely “if you really have an issue with poo, then don’t do anal!”  Good point 🙂

I was amazed to see how many people were in the room and the gender split was about even; just as many men were there to find out about their rectal area as women were!  Or were the women there to find out about the men’s rectal area?  Both perhaps? I’m sure it wasn’t just me 😉

I walked away with some handy tips and tricks, as well as much more knowledge about how to make it more pleasurable for him.  *snaps gloves on* Ok hubby, just relax and don’t clench, I have homeplay to do 😉

Next was lunch and then into some Sensation Play with a pair of Dominatrix’s… all that and more in the next post!

(You can find Cyndi Darnell here: and Pleasure Salon here:

(For a copy of my book for beginners or the curious, click on the link to – The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples; Who want to explore 3Somes, 4Somes and Moresomes)

Does Size Really Matter?

Well being a swinger you get the opportunity to do some field research (so to speak) and it amazes me how many guys either worry about, or boast about, their penis size, but does size really matter? I’m happy to answer that but do you want the truth; the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Ok, you asked for it. Guys often ask me 2 things:

1. Can we feel the difference between a “big” one and a “small” one? You want the truth right? Well, yes, we can feel the difference.

2. Can we feel more with a bigger one? Yes we can.

But you guys are so hung up on size you fail to ask the most important question; can we still get pleasure from a smaller one? Yes we can! So does size really matter? Not as much as you guys think it does!

The male assumption is that all women want men who have a big penis and guess what, they don’t! I know a very small amount of women who love fisting and who can quite happily take a 9” coke-can-thick penis (ouch!), but not all of us want a 9”+ rock hard tool pumping into us! I know a lot more women prefer a whole lot less. Just as the occurrence of men with equipment that large is less common, so is the amount of women who prefer them.

So penis size preference can vary from woman to woman, there are no written or secret rules that say 8”+ is required for optimal pleasure. It’s like chocolate; some women prefer dark, some like white, and some are addicted to the milk variety. Although some women will argue that they just can’t fit the big ones in, I for one thought that was the case but no…further research revealed this:

Women’s vaginal canals (the part the penis slides in and out of) is only 3” – 4” which means the majority of male population is going to be stretching some part of it! That’s good news guys, chances are high that she will feel something! It’s because the whole area is made up of muscle; it’s elastic-like so for that reason we have this amazing ability to adapt to the size of it, big or small.

The smaller ones we can more easily adjust to, which is a bonus because it can be more comfortable and pleasurable. The bigger it is, the slower it needs to be introduced and sometimes, the more extra lubrication is needed to make it pleasurable as opposed to painful, but regardless, we have the capacity to take a wide range of sizes! Ahh, the wonders of the female sex organs!

You guys worry too much, in fact, your perception of size is skewed! I found a study that was done which confirms what I already thought. Check this out:

  • An Internet-based survey of 52 031 heterosexual men and women found that while 85% of women were satisfied with their partners’ penis size, only 55% of the men were satisfied with their penis size.
  • Several studies that have asked men to evaluate the size of their penis, compare it to “normal” and then have actually measured their penis size, have shown that most men underestimate the size of their penis, and overestimate what is average penis size.
  • Studies have also shown that men tend to compare penises in a way that is likely to end up with negative evaluation (e.g. they compare flaccid penis to an erect penis).
  • One study of men who were seeking penile enlargement surgery found that most of the men had penises that were in the average size range, despite their belief that they had unusually small penises.

(Taken from:

See? You guys are seriously in need of some cold hard penile facts! So here we go, I did some extra research on this just for you:

  • Average penis length (flaccid/not erect): from 3.4 inches to 3.7 inches (8.6 cm to 9.3 cm)
  • Average penis length (erect): from 5.1 inches to 5.7 inches (12.9 cm to 14.5 cm)
  • Average penis girth (circumference when erect): from 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches (8.8 cm to 10 cm)

(Taken from:

Some other fascinating things to note:

Penises that are relatively “small” when they are down, or “flaccid”, tend to grow more when erect. So guys if you happen to see another guy naked somewhere, and his flaccid penis seems to be a couple of inches bigger than yours, he won’t grow to be a couple of inches bigger when erect, he’ll likely be about the same size! Men that have large flaccid penises tend to only harden and lengthen a little. So small flaccid penises are big penises in disguise!

When you look at other men and compare your equipment to theirs it’s interesting to note that you’re viewing your penis from the top down while you are viewing theirs side on, and come on, when you’re looking down at something it will always look smaller than something side on so get a grip and stop being so hard on yourselves (pun intended!)

Oh, and this has to be said but you know those donkey-dick guys you see in all that porn you watch? Yes, we know you watch it whether you want to admit it or not! Those guys are specifically chosen because of the size of their tool! They in no way represent the “average” size at all so you can stop comparing yourself to what was taken with a wide angle lens, good lighting and special effects!

I’ll ask you again, does size really matter? Not really, we can still get enjoyment out of any size you care to present, however if you turn up with a 9” solid coke-can-thick cock, you may frighten us! We do have the ability to stretch but I personally feel we still have a capacity. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how much lube you use, you can’t slide a Mack Truck into a Mini size parking space! That is, until you stretch the parking space… gently!

Choosing Your First Sex Toy – Tips For the Novice

Buying sex toys for the first timer or inexperienced is a pretty daunting task, especially if you don’t have anyone offering advice on what to try out first. It’s not like you can casually ring your mom or your sister and say, “Hey, I want to spice up my sex life with a vibrator, got any advice?”

If we stick with vibrators, there are plenty of decisions and choices that need to be made when choosing your first one, but put simply you need to consider the following:

    1. Size is perhaps the first thing you need to think about because using a dildo is pretty invasive (in a nice way of course!) so you don’t really want to be starting with a huge dildo if you’ve never used one before.You probably ought to go for something small and discreet to start with because that way you will feel completely in control and you can safely store you new little friend in your purse or bedside drawer.


    1. Shape is your next consideration because you need to decide whether you want a vaginal or anal dildo. If you’re looking at vibrators then it’s more about the sensation than shape or size and for starters, you’re probably better off getting a vibrator.


  1. Material is important because you need to decide whether you want something that is realistic to the touch or smooth and cold. The most popular material is probably silicone because it is easy to clean and it can be cooled or warmed up quickly.

Size, shape and material are all very well, I hear you say, but what products should you be looking for? There are literally thousands to choose from so where do you start?

We could discuss options for days on end, but the safest option is probably to go for something small and perhaps to start with a vibrator rather than a dildo.

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The Poor Single Guy Has it Tough…

Come on couples, cut them some slack!

It is pretty well known that it’s much easier for a couple or women to pick up than it is for the thousands of single guys out there online. The poor buggers are lucky to get a chance to chat to us let-a-lone meet us, and then they have an even slimmer chance to join us in the bedroom. Now why is that? Because us as couples (and single women) have so many to choose from that we can afford to be picky!

It’s true! When faced with a handful of messages and winks, it’s easy to look at the photos and then only reply to the “good looking” ones, or the good looking ones that show some sort of intelligence in the text on their profile. I am guilty of doing that but I can be because I have the choice…

So what about the single guy? Well faced with the amount of competition they have to try harder to get our attention, especially if they aren’t Brad Pitt’s identical twin! So what do they do? Many of them resort to different methods of standing out or they get more ballsy (aka: assertive/pushy/down-right-in-your-face) which doesn’t always work in their favour; pushing to get our MSN address or to meet in person… I personally get very turned off by that but when you think about it, the odds really are stacked in our favour, not theirs, and they have to do something or miss out entirely.

Just for a moment put yourself in their shoes… You’re a great person, a good playmate (or at least you think you do ok), a small amount of couples or single women and thousands of other men who want the same thing you want… and all competing for a foot in the door. You put a thousand winks and messages out with no replies wishing someone would just give you a chance and meet you in person because you know they won’t be disappointed, but you can’t even get the chance… Not hard to get disheartened with odds like that!

So couples and women out there who are on the sites (you know which sites!), give the poor singles guys a bit more of a chance to be themselves rather than have to be the pushy single guy who really is just trying to get a look in and share some of the sweet pie that’s being offered 🙂

Keep your eye out for the article for single guys on how to increase your chances of snagging (and shagging) a couple!

Here’s to your sexual evolution!