"I walk the boundaries and blur the lines – so others may wander into new territory."

Are you in a sexual rut? Part 4: The “been together a while and fallen into routine sex” rut

Do you have specific nights you tend to have sex on? Does it tend to be on weekends only? Have you ever opted not to have sex because you have to get up for work in the morning? Do you have sex in the same bed the majority of the time? Do you use the same small handful of foreplay and sexual positions most of the time? When was the last time you had spontaneous, wild, passionate sex?

This is a really common rut; it’s just that you’ve established a routine and you’ve become used to each other. You know what works and what doesn’t, you have your favourite positions and particular foreplay; it’s just that it’s the same old, same old and after a while it just gets, well… boring. Hands up if you’re bored in your sex life right now!

So you have more routine sex than spontaneous sex but you know what? That’s pretty normal if you’ve been together a while, many couples go through this at some point. Life just gets in the way… The key is to realise it and do something about it.

This sexual rut is simple to remedy, all you need is to do something different or do something new and explore your sexual selves more. There is so much you can do in the bedroom (or out of the bedroom) that can create that mind-blowing-sex afterglow, that cheeky grin or that glint in your eye when you’ve unleash that inner sex god/dess, and it doesn’t necessarily mean having more sex, just having more fun!

Some of the suggestions I’ll make in this article will work for you and some won’t, I just ask that you read the whole article with an open mind and only take from it what you want to use and leave the rest.

The sexual relationship is an area that’s rarely discussed. There are no mainstream classes on it; we aren’t taught how to have a healthy relationship let-a-lone a healthy sex life. We’re left to our own devices so it’s fair to say that many couples are unaware of what’s possible or how awesome and important a thriving sex life is!

So here we go, you have that notepad and pen handy? You didn’t think I’d give you an article without giving you something to do, did you?

Split the page in 2 and on one side write down the positions and foreplay you’ve experienced or do on a regular basis – your current bedroom repertoire. On the other side, start writing all the things that either you did ages ago and liked, or have never done, thought about and would like to try. Even if you think it will only ever be fantasy material, write it all down! EVERYTHING you’ve ever wanted to do should be on this list regardless of how “naughty” or “wrong” you think it is. Don’t judge it, just write it.

Sometimes this can be a good prompt for some deeper level discussions between you and your partner, and it has huge potential to both spice things up and take your relationship to the next level.

If you need some inspiration of sexual things to add to your sexy list, check out the Kama sutra for positions; tantric sex for something truly mind blowing and sensual; you can list the different places you’d like to get a little naughty in (outside and inside); go to a local adult shop and browse the costumes and clothing (as well as the lace and bits of string); check out the different toys and the things you can do with them. If you feel a bit funny going into an adult shop, Google is your new best friend and while you’re at it you can source some new porn.

For the fun of it and to also help you get started, here are some of the common things people leave off their list when they think they have to share it with their partner or because they think there is something wrong with them if they want to try it:

  • a threesome with another girl/guy
  • an orgy/group sex
  • kissing someone of the same sex
  • playing with someone of the same sex
  • swinging with other couples
  • role play
  • dom/sub
  • fetishes

Just to name a few. I did say to put EVERYTHING on the list, so go ahead, be daring and do it. Your sexual evolution starts here 🙂

One thing I’ve found is that a large percentage of people want to at least try many of those things but are too afraid to say so because of how they think their partner might react, or what they think that means about them. We tend to judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else, so keep that in mind.

My suggestion here is just to talk about it. It means nothing other than sharing your deepest desires and fantasies so be open to what your partner shares with you and please share everything with them too. You may just find that you have some fantasies in common which will breathe some fresh air into your sex life as well as your relationship. It’s a whole new exciting adventure for the 2 of you 🙂

The other factor that prevents people from writing something down is a lack of confidence in going through with it. I had this one but can confidently say, having done it, my fears were unfounded and it was (and still continues to be) a liberating experience when I try new things off my list.

But even if some of the items on your list never actually happen, they can become some great material for you both to fantasize about; getting your partner to imagine themselves in the middle of their greatest fantasy can be a huge turn on for them, which benefits you too of course; the more turned on they get, the more they want to… The funny thing is that they never have to actually do it but the fact you share it and allow them to go there (even if only in their mind), will strengthen the bonds between you and will drive you both completely wild for a night… or more 🙂

So write your list on your own, really allow yourself to let go and dream about all the things you’d love to try. Once you have got it all together, talk and share with your partner, put your lists together and create a “to do” list for your sexual escapades then go about creating the time and space to do them, ticking them off as you go (if you want to that is). You may find that there are some things that go on the list straight away, other things you both may be unsure of and some things will never go on the list but talking about it to find out is the best. I highly recommend revisiting the list periodically as your relationship grows and changes, what was once off the list, may make it back on 🙂

If you are interested in having others join you in your sex life, but are not sure if you want to, not sure if your relationship could cope or not sure how to go about it, I’ve already written an ebook for you: The Ultimate Swingers Guide… Don’t worry, no one needs to know you’ve got it, it’s just for the 2 of you.

Find out everything you need to know to make the decision and to get started in the best way possible. On a personal note, we found the conversations we had about possibly swinging, actually swinging and the conversations that came up as a result of swinging, have taken our relationship to a whole new level of depth, passion and connection. It was what turned our sex life from routine to brilliant, fulfilling, fun and exciting, and a fabulous way to increase your bedroom repertoire.

So to get out of your sexual boredom rut, you just have to find some new inspiration, do some things you’ve never done before or do some things you haven’t done in a long time – shake it up, introduce some spontaneity, and at the very least, do your lists and have a completely honest and open conversation with your partner then don’t blame me if after just talking about it they grab you in a hot and passionate embrace before ripping your clothes off and…

Here’s to your sexual evolution, and your relationship evolution as well 😛

To read the other parts in the series:
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 1
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 3: The “not feeling loved/fallen out of love” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 5: The “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 6: The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut