"I walk the boundaries and blur the lines – so others may wander into new territory."

My partner doesn’t know I’m bi, what do I do?

Whether this is a new development in you, or it’s been there for some time there are a couple of choices…

You could:

1. Cheat – enjoy your bisexual playtime without telling them, after all what they don’t know won’t hurt them, right?
2. Not tell them, which means you never fulfill those urges or explore that part of your sexuality and go quietly insane.
3. Tell them and potentially end up going your separate ways or evolving your relationship together.

They are your 3 main options and there is a high level of pain and uncertainty associated with every one of them. I’ll be totally honest, this secret does have the potential to make or break a relationship regardless of the choice you make so there’s really no easy option, and only one that keeps your integrity in tact…

What stops most people from sharing this with their partner? The same thing that stops us from doing anything… fear! Fear that they will be react with disgust (or another negative reaction), love you less, fear of being hurt or hurting them, and/or fear that they will leave you.

Some of you may think you already know how your partner will react and you know what? You might be right… but you might be wrong. Nobody knows how they will react to a situation until they are literally in it. Human beings also have a great capacity to change their minds when new information is presented or someone they truly love is now in that position. Sometimes people just need time to get used to the idea and sometimes a “no” is just a “not right now”.

So what should you do? Well it depends on how long you want to be in a relationship with them and what foundations you want that relationship to be based on.

If you want a relationship based on lies, deceit and fraud then options 1 and 2 are the way to go. Let me tell you from experience that it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out either way. Cheating is hard work and when your partner finally finds out, it will break all trust and practically guarantee the end of that relationship, not to mention hurt them and potentially damage their ability to be in functional relationship after that. Surely you love them enough not to do that to them, right? And if you don’t maybe it’s time to move on anyway.

Keeping it to yourself and ignoring your desires/urges will only eat away at you over time, creating regret and resentment plus increasing the intensity of those desires because you are denying them. It’s like someone who goes on a diet and says to themselves “I can’t eat ”, then all they want is that food, the desire and urge grow so huge that most often they eventually give in and binge on it. If you deny yourself the time to explore those desires, what do you think will happen if they get too great to resist?

Having that secret can also create distance between you and your partner, as there will be a part of yourself that you never share with them and at some level they will know. The longer it goes on, the more they love the person you pretend to be and the harder you’ll find to keep up the charade, never really being happy because you can’t be your true self. If you end up having kids at some point that just makes it so much harder and more complicated to change, and imagine what you’d be teaching them by not being true to yourself… If you were giving advice to your child/valued friend/loved one, what would you tell them to do?

Now flip it and think about it from your partners point of view, would you want to be with someone who’s not being completely honest with you? Would you want to be in love with someone who is pretending to be a person they’re not for the sake of keeping you happy? If their secret was going to be something that was a deal breaker for you, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather than later so you can both move on to find someone better suited to love and be loved by? Hard-hitting questions, I know, but in all seriousness, it’s important for you to see the bigger picture.

Option number 3 is the only option that keeps your integrity as a person and in your relationship. It’s the only option based on honesty, trust and respect and also the one with the highest immediate stakes. If you love your partner, you’ll share your bisexual desires and trust that whatever happens will be for the best for both of you.

Yes, they may come to the conclusion that this isn’t for them, end it and walk away. As hard as that could be, they would be doing you a favour. You can’t bring someone into your life that will love you unconditionally while you hold onto a relationship that isn’t 100% right for you, and it would be selfish of you to want to keep someone from finding someone else that’s more perfect for them.

If you tell them and they are open to working out a way forward with you, then you’ve taken steps to evolve your relationship, strengthen your bond and your relationship continues to be based on trust, honesty and respect for each other which are the perfect foundations to create a long term, fulfilling relationship on.

So there is really only one option that has a potentially positive ending and it starts with a conversation. It’s not an easy conversation to have but you’ll know one way or the other where you stand and what kind of relationship you currently have.

I’ve created something that might help. It’s a letter that you can give to your partner and it’s purpose is to break the ice, give them some information and open up the floor for you to start talking. The instructions and the letter are downloadable at the bottom of this article. If you have another way to start the conversation, fantastic, do that, if not, this may be a great way to get it started.

Whatever happens, however it goes, remember that the outcome will be for the best, for both of you. It’s time to be true to yourself…

Here’s to your sexual and relationship evolution!

(PS: If you use this, please let me know how it went so I can improve it or share the outcome with others )

Attachment Size
From male to female.pdf 70.79 KB
From female to male.pdf 70.78 KB
Instructions and important information.pdf 41.56 KB