If you’re reading this then maybe you feel you need this information and even better, that you’re doing something about it so my hat goes off to you. When I learned what I’m going to share with you, it revolutionised how I was relating to my partner and I believe it is a big reason as to why we continue to grow more connected each day.
First things first, guess what? News flash… chances are that your partner is different to you! “Well duh!” I hear you say. And thank God it’s true, who’d want to be with someone who is exactly like them; seriously, where’s the fun in that?
Differences are things to be celebrated but can also be the very things that push people apart, especially when it comes to making their partner feeling loved if neither partner knows how it works. Consider this your introduction.
Ever heard the phrase “in order to receive, you need to give first”? This is exactly the case and regardless of who started it or who did or didn’t do what, if you want to feel more loved, it starts with you.
So the first thing you need to know is what has to happen in order for you to feel loved? Do you need to hear them say “I love you”? Do you need regular physical affection? Do you need them to give you surprises or do things for you (acts of service)? Do you need them to strip naked, paint themselves in chocolate and show up dressed in just a big red bow? Seriously think about that right now, what is it for you? While all those things might make you feel loved, which one is absolutely essential? Here’s a clue: what’s one thing you feel you aren’t getting right now?
Here is the key, you will do for your partner what makes you feel loved. It’s human nature to do for the others what works for us. The problem is that everyone is different and if you and your partner were effectively communicating love, you wouldn’t be reading this. So you have likely been showing your partner love in the way you want to be shown it, which means they probably aren’t feeling loved either.
So now that you know what you need, find out what they need. You can either ask them straight out or you can think about some of the conversations you’ve had and work out what they have been asking you do to or say more. Remember that we tend to show love in the way we want it, so how have they been showing their love?
When you know what it takes for them to feel loved, the second most important thing, is to do that for them, even if it feels alien to you and even if they aren’t doing for you what you need right now. Remember what I said before? To get what you want sometimes you need to give it first. The beauty of giving first is that often when the other feels completely loved it produces a desire to show love in return.
All that needs to happen then is to keep doing what makes them feel loved, they keep doing what makes you feel loved and that creates a stable foundation to work other things out along the way. This is one of the basics when it comes to relationships. Like we need water to live, relationships need love to live.
This goes for any relationship type; straight, gay, swinger, polyamorous and everything in between. The relationship basics are the same but somehow they’re an education that’s missing. Often everything starts great and then occasionally it all goes downhill somehow and you don’t know why. That was certainly the case in my first marriage, it wasn’t until it was all over that I worked it out. I wondered how it got to that point when it all started so wonderful.
And you know what, I have an answer. When you first get together, what do you do to show them love? Everything! You tell them you love them, you spend time with them doing things they like, you talk to them about anything and everything, you are intimate with them and probably often (way more often in the first year than any year after that… for most anyway).
It doesn’t matter what needs to happen to make them feel loved because you’ve covered it. But what happens after the “honeymoon” is over? You fall into life and your regular patterns of being, along with your natural way of showing love… Knowing how to continue to making your partner feel loved can mean the difference between a short term and long term, forever type, relationship.
This is just an introduction into communication. I’ll be spending some time focussing more on it because it’s one of the key foundations to a forever relationship. To learn more about this topic, a book I found supremely useful is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Read it and use it, I promise you won’t regret it!
Here is to your relationship evolution! May the sexual evolution be involved 🙂
