"I walk the boundaries and blur the lines – so others may wander into new territory."

Are you in a sexual rut? Part 5: The “I don't like the way I look/low self esteem” rut

I’ve personally been in this rut and I can tell you it’s not much fun, but the good news is that it’s not permanent and there are some things you can do to move through to the other side.

Let’s look at what’s going on. There are a few reasons why someone would fall into this rut:

  1. You’ve put on weight, sometimes a lot (some pregnant women get caught in this one)
  2. Some accident has occurred and you now have some “unsightly” scaring or deformity
  3. You’ve come out of a relationship that was emotionally damaging leaving you low and vulnerable, wondering who will love you and are you good enough (you are by the way)

There are more reasons for it but these are the more common ones and the answer lies in the same place… Your mind and the way you perceive yourself.

Have you ever seen a bigger woman, or a woman with scarring/deformities who radiates confidence and sensuality? She is quite proud of her curves, she has other flattering features and men find her sexy as hell. Not necessarily because of her fuller figure, but in her overall presence. She has no hang ups about how she looks, she thinks of herself as desirable and therefore when she walks in a room, it’s noticeable.

I’m not talking about those women who think they’re God’s gift, these women are just comfortable in their own skin which is what makes them attractive and someone people want to be around. They take pride in their appearance in that they dress in clothing that flatters their assets (and I’m not just talking about their breasts), they have their hair and makeup done nicely in a way that suits their face.

When you feel good about yourself, you put time and energy into the way you dress and present yourself to the world, you walk with your head held high, you radiate a particular energy and you attract people to want to get to know you. We naturally gravitate towards people like that and it doesn’t matter how much weight they have on, what scarring or deformities they have, it’s just the positive and happy energy they radiate that attracts us.

We want to be around these people because most don’t feel great about themselves and it’s the positive people that help us feel better about ourselves and the world we’re in.

So where do you start? Right where the main source of the problem lies… Your self image or self concept. We need to start digging out the junk you have in your mind that is dragging you down rather than making you shine. The answer is to work on building your self esteem, self confidence and a positive self concept that empowers you rather than deflating you.

Go and get your pad and pen. Give yourself some uninterrupted time and space to do this so you really gain maximum benefit from it – 15 minutes or more. On a blank page write down absolutely everything you think about yourself but you have only 5 minutes and you must be writing for that whole time. The important thing here is not to judge your answers, don’t think about if they are right or wrong or what they mean, just write whatever comes into you head – and I mean everything.

Write any self talk that goes on especially when you’re looking in a mirror or when you think about having to be naked in front of someone else. Write it all down and just when you think you have it all written down, ask yourself again. Force yourself to come up with more answers to fill the 5 minutes. The reason is that when you force yourself past the blank spots, you start to give the deeper unconscious answers which is where the real ‘ah ha’ moments come from.

Use the following sentences to help you and if you get stuck, come back and use the sentences again:

I am…
I’m not…
I can…
I can’t…
I could…
I couldn’t…
I wish I was…
I wish I wasn’t…

Ok, your 5 minutes starts now, off you go 🙂

Once you have hit your 5 minutes AND exhausted all possible answers, split a new page into 2 sections. One the left side, write down all the negative statements you wrote and on the right side write all the positive statements you wrote.

So now look at how much you have in each column. Did you find it easier to come up with the negative thoughts? Have you got more in the negative column than the positive? Don’t worry, you aren’t alone and all this highlights is where the majority of your focus has been.

To start the process of turning it around, I now suggest you take the time to come up with a bunch of positive statements to surpass the negative list by another half. So your positive list should be one and a half times longer than your negative list. Keep going on it until you get it that long and if you need to tap into a few close friends, family and your partner to help. You are worth more than you currently think you are and you are far more beautiful and sexy than you give yourself credit for.

While it is great to talk about inner beauty and how it should be the only thing that matters, how you look on the outside does have an impact on how you feel about yourself. So conquer this issue from both angles. Do something right now to help with the way you look on the outside. By all means hit the gym and eat a healthy diet to help over the longer term but this you can do today and it helps.

Go and see an image consultant – get them to help you with your wardrobe and colours. Often as we put weight on we are still trying to wear our old clothes and of course they don’t look as good on us and we don’t feel sexy in them. Go and get a new hair style – one that suits who you are and how you look right now. Talk to a make up specialist about getting the right colours, and how to bring out your best features.

If you don’t have the funds for all of that, you can find anything you want to know about healthy food, exercise, colours, styles, hair and make up on the internet. YouTube has a plethora of tutorials on anything you care to ask about. There are no excuses, put it on your list of action steps for today!

When you are dressed in flattering clothes, hair done and a bit of makeup it makes a difference to how you feel, and when you feel better about how you look, you also feel more motivation to do the other things you need to do to improve your body if you can.

Now this part is extremely important. If you have a partner that already looks at you and tells you you’re beautiful/handsome, desirable and sexy then you are one of the luckiest people alive. I know it’s easy to brush them off because you think they are bias, that they’ll say that because they love you anyway. I know because I used to do that and it wasn’t until I got this that I realised what a mistake that was.

When your partner compliments you they are saying it because it’s true for them and because they want you to see it too. They don’t like seeing you down on yourself, they love you and surely you how hard is it to sit by someone you love when they are in pain and miserable? This is what it’s like for them when you dismiss their compliments or positive comments.

You’re basically saying to them “your opinion means nothing; it doesn’t matter, what society thinks matters more to me than your what you think”. It’s also another way of you saying “you’re lying to me; I don’t believe you”. The thought of “how can you love me when I look like this?” is just you saying that you don’t love you, but consider this for a moment – it is completely possible that they do.

Now be them for a minute, how would you feel if that’s how they treated your compliments when you are only sharing what is true for you. I want you to stop reading this for a minute and remember the last few comments they’ve made and how you have responded. How do you feel being on the receiving end? You do that long enough and you run the risk of losing them. They’ll feel like they aren’t good enough and they’ll feel completely helpless because they can’t do anything to make you feel better about yourself.

If they say you are still sexy, then revel in that, celebrate it even! You have the most important person in the world saying they think you’re sexy and they are the one that matters. If they are the reason your self esteem is low because they are super critical of how you look then my personal opinion is that you deserve someone better than that. It’s them that has a self image problem which is why they focus so heavily on how others look, including their partners, but that’s a whole other article.

So ladies, go buy some sexy lingerie, even you don’t think you look as good as you could in it, allow yourself to pretend you are the sexiest person alive just for your partner. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks, they aren’t in the room and your partner it not judging you or looking at the bits you don’t love. They just want to be with you and to be able to enjoy making love to you.

It might feel a little awkward at first, but trust me, you will get over that. I have a few extra kilos on me now because I’ve been focused more on work than health, which is the consequence. I still occasionally do the “I’m fat *pout*” thing but Mr Wonderful says the same things every time “I love your curves, I love your body, I love you more every day…” and my response is “and I love that you do”. Notice? I’m not dismissing it; I’m acknowledging his belief and loving him for thinking so. You can read his view on this article here.

If you feel you need more help getting rid some of the emotional baggage and self esteem issues, then I highly recommend some coaching or personal development courses, they made such an immense difference in my life which is why I decided to become a coach and NLP practitioner. Find someone you resonate with and work with them. They can often see things you can’t, and have some tools to help you feel great about yourself; they’ll help you to shine.

Now off you go, surprise your partner by dragging them off to the bedroom to reconnect on both a physical and emotional level. Be the sexy goddess or sex god that you really are inside, even if you feel you’re pretending to start with, just go with it 🙂 They’ll love you for it, they love already anyway and that’s worth thanking them for, don’t you think?

Here’s to your sexual and relationship evolution!

To read the other parts in the series:
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 1
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 3: The “not feeling loved/fallen out of love” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 4: The “been together a while and fallen into routine sex” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 6: The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut