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Who Is Rach Wilson?

Chantelle Austin International's Specialist Coach & Mentor in Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships Internationally

First Sharing Experience Emotions for New Swingers

When you’re planning your first swingers (sharing) experience you could be filled with excitement and anticipation of fantasies being fulfilled, and that’s how many people feel in the lead up to the event. The most important thing to remember is that no matter how you feel in the lead up to that first experience, you may end up feeling something very different when you are finally IN the situation.

Now this goes for your first experience with just one new person, a new couple or your first group event. You can feel any of the following with all, or some of these experiences, or any others first experiences I haven’t listed.

Nervous – This one is the most common one and often includes general anxiousness. This is quite normal and understandable when you find yourself in a new situation where the old traditional relationship rules no longer apply.

The issue with this feeling is that it can impact your ability to perform. With men it can manifest in an inability to become fully erect and for women it can prevent them from getting wet enough to really enjoy any sexual penetration.

This is not uncommon and the key to moving past these feelings is just to do what you are comfortable doing. There are generally no rules that say you have to participate, although it is a bonus. You can just play with each other and watch the goings on, and if it’s known you are first timers, most people will give you the time and space to get comfortable.

Uncertainty and awkwardness – These generally pop up when people feel like they don’t know what to do. I highly recommend talking to people before the first experience, particularly with the people who are going to be a part of it.

Pre-event is the time to work out the boundaries so you know what rules you’ll be playing by when you get there. That will help with any feelings of awkwardness and not knowing what to do.

The other time these feelings come into play is when you are playing with new people and are not sure how they work, what they like or how they like it. Newsflash – this is very normal! I still get a little awkward with someone new and the best way to get past that is to talk to them before you get to the naked part, have an open and honest conversation about what you all like, any quirks you have avoid, or techniques that really well.

Then once you are into it, feedback is great. I’ve personally found that most people attribute the amount of noise a person makes to their level of pleasure, so don’t be afraid to let the world know how good it is, or move people’s hands to a better position for increased pleasure and fun.

Distracted – This is also a common one, particularly when you are attending your first group event. With so many things going on all at once it can either be very arousing or distracting. I’ve spoken to a number of people who enjoy the fun of a group but find that they struggle to orgasm in the middle of one because there is just too much going on. I personally have to go inside my head to get over the edge and if I have too many people I’m concurrently playing with at the same time as being pleasured, I find I can’t actually get there myself.

You may need to stop playing with others so you can focus on you own orgasm for a period of time, then when you’ve accomplished that, turn your attention to the other people who so kindly pleasured you. This is what I do and it works well.

Overwhelmed – This can happen at any stage but particularly at a first group event. Some people can find it a little confronting even if their repeated fantasies about it were a huge turn on! Sometimes that’s because the room is mostly made up of strangers, usually when people are in a group of friends, they don’t feel overwhelmed by the impending experience.

I’ve also found some people get a little stuck in this when there is so much new stuff happening around them. They aren’t sure where to join in or how, or who likes what, and they aren’t used to being in a room with so many naked people. It’s almost like a “where do I fit”? and “what’s my role here?” overwhelm.

It’s ok to chill out on the edges until you find your orgy feet, or to just bail out if it’s too much for you. People won’t think any less of you for that. Often there is some mingling before the fun begins so it’s good to make friends with at least one or 2 people then when it all begins, you have someone to start with.

Insecurity and jealousy – This happens occasionally. Often we have a preconceived idea of what it will be like and how we will go but we don’t truly know how we’ll react until we get there.

People think they will be ok and love it, but the first time they see their partner with someone else they automatically get insecure or jealous. Others worry about feeling jealous but find when they get there that seeing their partner with someone else is a huge turn on! I’ve seen it happen both ways.

If any of these come up it’s important to talk it through with your partner but if you are finding that difficult, then seek out the help of a professional cousellor or relationship coach to help you. There are only a small number of us who specialize in relationships that involve more than just 2 people, so make sure you find someone that understands sharing and that you click with.

All in all there are a number of great emotions that can come up at the first experience, and some negative ones. The key is to communicate that to your partner and to do whatever you can to alleviate them before you get to that point, but if you do feel any of these, to be gentle on yourself. People feel these all the time at their first experiences and it’s to be expected, but it does get easier and once you’re into the swing of it, you’ll relax and have a blast.

The Essential Guide for Couples is the complete guide on taking your relationship down this path and making sure it’s ready to go there. Check it out for yourself!

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