Creating rock-solid, freedom-based relationships where monogamy is optional…

Who Is Rach Wilson?

Chantelle Austin International's Specialist Coach & Mentor in Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships Internationally

There are 2 parts to this sexual rut or lack of libido. For some people it’s a wake up call to make some major decisions in regards to your relationship, for others it’s just a wake up call to remind you to do something now while you still can. I’ll discuss both so please keep reading if you’re not in the first group.

Lack of libido can be a symptom of where your relationship is at, at least for one of you. This is one that happened for me and it was my wake up call to make some major decisions. I didn’t realise this was the case until he flat out asked me “aren’t you attracted to me anymore?”. This was a shock to me because my first thought was “no, I’m not” and I couldn’t work out when that happened or why. It wasn’t long after that the relationship ended; I’d fallen out of love and it wasn’t recoverable for me.

This is a good time to get really honest with yourself. Notepad and pen ready? The key here is to write down the very first thought you come up with because that’s the real answer… Now ask yourself:

* Am I still attracted to my partner?
* Am I still in love with them?
* Am I prepared to do something to build my relationship?

Now depending on your answers, your actions from here may be different… If you answered no to all of them as a first thought, it might be time to seriously look at where you are at as it’s possible you’ve fallen out of love. The question is, is it recoverable?

I’m not saying that at this point it’s time to leave the relationship, that’s not always the case. If you answered yes to at least one of them or can honestly say you still love the other person, and you aren’t sure about moving on, then don’t. Don’t ever leave unless you are 99% sure it is the best and right decision for you.

For me I knew I couldn’t go back when the thought of heading in my own direction produced a feeling of utter relief. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I figured if that’s how I felt about being without him, and thinking about staying made me feel miserable and trapped, then it was best for me to follow my heart and do what was right for me… and the right thing for me was to move on. This was not an easy decision but one I was sure of before I executed it. No regrets.

If you know you’re at a point where it’s time to go, and you are more than absolutely sure, and I mean ABSOLUTELY SURE, then don’t waste time letting your partner think you’re both ok, or prolong any misery for the 2 of you. You need to create the time and space to fully consider this and decide. This is not something I am going to spend time talking about in this article but I recommend emailing me or someone else who can confirm you are making the right decision and help you to plan your life from here as well as help you to cope and grow through the changes your decision will create. It’s never an easy thing to do or be a part of. Get support.

If you aren’t at that point yet, congratulations, you have an opportunity to save your relationship! Maybe you have just grown apart a bit, or fallen out of sync so think of this as a warning light, something to let you know that it’s time to do something about it before it’s too late. It’s time to fall in love all over again and I highly recommend doing this on a regular basis whether there are issues in your relationship or not.

What did you used to do when you first got together? What things make you both laugh? What things help you both connect and bond? What mades you want to rip each other’s clothes off and make wild, passionate love? What was going on back then that had your libido in over drive?

Maybe it’s time to implement a regular “date night”! Date night – a night for just the 2 of you; be a couple in love doing what couples in love do. Go out for dinner, a movie, go bowling or skating, mountain bike riding or whatever takes your fancy. Plan it today and do it this week. No excuses!

If you have kids this is even more important because you need to teach them how to create a phenomenal relationship which is best done by being a living, breathing, example of one.

For any relationship it is important to spend time continuing to build it and you should never stop. Just like a plant; if it’s not growing, it’s dying. It’s a living thing and it needs to be tended to and nourished every day in some small way 🙂 So get your notepad out again and do the following exercise:
1. Write a list of the things you love your partner doing for you
2. Write a list of the things that make you happy that involve your partner
3. Write a list of the things you love about your partner
4. Write a list of the things you can do for them so they also feel loved
5. Circle something on each list that you can do today and ask your partner if they’ll do the thing off the first list you would absolutely love for them to do

Sometimes in order to feel loved we need to give love first… so do something for them first!

A fantastic resource that will help you create better understanding between you, and teach you how to make each other feel loved, is a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I personally gained a lot from this book and my hope for you is that you put it on your list to buy now so you can benefit from it also. Trust me, your relationship will thank you for it, this one or the one to come.

Another thing the unloved sexual rut includes a lack of self love, but rather than complicate what I’ve written in this rut, I’ll deal more with that in the “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut so keep an eye out for that one 🙂 Now stop reading and either go and email me if you need help with some major decisions, or go and fall in love again! Either way, do something now!

Here is to your relationship and sexual evolution!

To read the other parts in the series:
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 1
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 2: The “got too much going on, so I’m too tired” rut 
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 4: The “Been Together a While and Fallen Into Routine Sex” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 5: The “I don’t like the way I look/low self esteem” rut
Are you in a sexual rut? Part 6: The “physical sexual problems interfering” rut

1 Comment
  1. Sometimes a lack of libido can be because of something as simple as an overdose of porn.

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