Creating rock-solid, freedom-based relationships where monogamy is optional…

Who Is Rach Wilson?

Chantelle Austin International's Specialist Coach & Mentor in Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships Internationally

A Lesson in Transparency

Just when you think you have got it all sorted and are being completely honest and open and stuff… Reality finds a way to hold up a mirror and kick you in the ass to take a deeper look!  Thank you Reality!

I am way more open and honest with my partner than the average but I realised recently that there were things I wasn’t saying and not because I wanted to lie or that I didn’t want him to know.  I was holding back on thoughts and being truly honest about how I was feeling because I didn’t want him to feel hurt/pain/upset over something he didn’t (in my mind) need to so I rationalised that I was just protecting him from “unnecessary” pain… How wrong I was and when it all came to a head, we realised we were both doing the same thing!

I can’t go into detail as it included another person and the relationship we both have with them, but suffice it to say that protecting your partner or holding back so they don’t react is the same as keeping secrets and secrets do not build trust and security in a relationship, nor do they open you both up to the love you can experience when you start having no-go places in your thoughts, feelings or life.

People keep things to themselves for many reasons, the most common one is  because they don’t want to get in “trouble” as they know their partner wouldn’t approve of what they are doing or misunderstand/misinterpret based on their own insecurities… In this case, we were both holding back because we loved the other so much and didn’t want them to feel pain unnecessarily.  I thought that because it was my issue that I should hold onto it, and he knew I was feeling quite precious at the time so didn’t say what he was thinking or feeling because he didn’t want to cause me to cry more… We were both trying to protect the other and that’s exhausting, and also inauthentic.

When we both sat down and were totally honest about what we were feeling, even with the fear of upsetting the others, the burden we both felt in managing the others emotions was lifted and we both truly connected again.  New agreements were then made (which you may want to take on yourselves) that no matter how much we are worried about the other person; how they would react or feel, we have to be completely honest with them about what we are thinking and how we are feeling so together we can work through the uncomfortableness…

Reactions are often temporary and can be worked through so we don’t need to be afraid of them if we are committed to supporting each other through everything.  They are just knee-jerk reaction and the initial stages of any collaboration or negotiation which needs to occur once the elephant in the room is on the proverbial table to be talked about…

It was 3 weeks of hell for us.  A lot of emotions and insecurities triggered which were exacerbated by our protection of the other in not sharing all the information but I wouldn’t change it as every upset is the doorway to rebuilding in a new and better way… 13 years together and it was a massive shake up but on the other side of it now, I can see why it happened, why we needed it,  how it has helped us to connect more deeply and be even better partners for each other in our freedom-based relationship.

So the moral of the story is – BE completely transparent no matter what (coming from a sincere and loving space I might add) and know that with every relationship shake up comes an opportunity for growth as individuals and for the relationship 🙂

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